Inspiration

So in class today, we had a guest, a poet by the name of Florence Weinberger. When we had some extra time at the end of class, she asked some of us what our writing process was. Let me preface this with the fact that I had asked her to read one of her poems "Prayer" but I could not explain to her why it struck me. I sounded like a jumbled idiot asking for directions at a gas station...or at least that's what I felt like.

When, however, she asked what our writing process was, I was one of the students who decided to jump out and answer (why? you may ask...I'm still wondering that myself). I started with the fact that I began writing because I questioned too many things, I was depressed and I didn't know what else to do. Sentences didn't fit what I was feeling and never seemed to come out right, so I put my expression in poetry and images instead. They began to be my arguments with God as to why I was alive, what was my purpose, what was I doing here. They became my prayers in a form. She told me I was quite articulate, and that she would have never been able to tell someone why she had started writing poetry.

I realized why I so much enjoyed her poem "Prayer." The first lines of this poem say "Of course I prayed. Partly out of habit" which caught my attention right away. That was the way I prayed, if I began to sit down and just pray in my head or in my words, it was habitual, the prayers I had learned in Sunday school so many times. Even now, when I pray before meals, it is always the same prayer, exchanging some words for others, always ending the same...the same way my grandpa prays. But it is indeed still habit. I get caught up in the fact that I don't know if that is true prayer. We are told to have real conversations with God, that He is our Father, but then when it comes time to pray, everyone seems to have to be formal about it. I have since realized, that poetry is my prayer. It is my way to be truthful and honest in my prayers. To tell God what's really going on inside of me and to cry out in dire need of Him. Granted, not ALL of my poetry are prayers, but I will venture to say that all of my true prayers are poetry.

Everyone tells you that you can't be angry with God, you can't argue with Him. They tell you that you have to be polite and indifferent when talking to others. You mustn't start a disagreement, argument, disruption of any sort but simply stay diplomatic in all matters. Poetry has given me an avenue to change that, to be outspoken, to be truthful, honest, and frank about who I am, where I'm at and the life I haven't figured out how to live yet. It gives me a way to argue with God, trying to find answers in the predicaments of life. I feel sometimes as if I struggle with issues more than others because no one vocalizes them, so I hide them in my poetry. I feel as though I am not allowed to question anything because I cannot cause any disruptions.

So I guess in essence, my poetry, is my disruption of society, although it is not much of a disruption at all. Or at least that's what I feel like. I feel as if this is my story. We all have stories, whether in music, in film, in art, in novels, in short stories, in expressions, in acting, in plays, in speeches, in every other genre of expression possible...mine is in poetry. I may not be a good poet, I may not write about anything interesting which no one else will ever want to read, but this is my story and my expression. It is my argument with God, my prayers for loved ones, my wonders and amazements at the world around me, my hurts and pains that no one else feels, my distractions, my contemplations, my hopes, fears and dreams, my expression of love as well as my expression of doubt, my disruptions against society, my enlightenments of reading, my mundane every day life, my dreams of excitement elsewhere, my nightmares lurking hidden in my thoughts....my poetry is my life, my everything.

Because this contemplation was inspired by Florence Weinberger and her encouragement today, as well as her poem "Prayer," here is that poem for you to read and contemplate yourself.

"Prayer"

Of course I prayed.
Partly out of habit; I prayed as a child without learning how,

without knowing what haunting necessity possessed me then.
So when it seemed certain

my husband, my partner of my entire adult life was going to die,
I prayed the hardest prayer: Thy will be done.

I was giving up arguments, bargaining, recriminations. The carnal
fragrance of hope.

Except for an almost inaudible request for mercy, I would go on living
with Thy will. Except for an almost unquenchable quest for meaning

I would go on laying down one word after another with trembling,
shaking, dwelling with moving lips on the relentless decay

and the way we love the children of our children; what it means
to leave an absence behind. What it is: to leave.

But would I be able to skirt the divinity and order and moral protest of poetry?
And how else to obliterate the glibness of death by cancer?

I began pounding these Kabbalistic questions on Afro-Cuban drums and found
I could reach pure anger by banging beyond concept.

Drumming with other women and men I became a lunatic drumming
my frenzy in chorus on bare nerve briefly giving up my quest for meaning.

Hearing how grief and heartbeat augmented each other
I began to regain my personal sense of desire.

I kept walking rapidly early in the morning, chanting
conviction under my breath

talking about him to everybody I came across
not caring that they seemed uncomfortable

baffled
that I let him die in the house in the bed on the side where I will never sleep

dosing him with almost invisible tabs of morphine
forced past his lips and under his tongue

to melt like hot snow the more swiftly to enter his blood stream
fully understanding intervals and ultimate objective

and why it is I can now bring myself to remember
as many details as I can bear

and I can keep walking and chanting and drumming thy will
and I can call it prayer and I can keep praying and praying

that someday my will comes closer to yours, O Lord.

--Florence Weinberger in Carnal Fragrance
Red Hen Press, 2004.

Venting

Venting is not usually a good idea on the internet, and I will try to make this as indestructible as possible, but I can't make any promises.
So I'm really frustrated with so much that's going on and I just don't know how to keep going on. I mean I will and I know I will get through this season in my life, but I just don't know how the next few days or weeks are going to go.
Let me clarify before people get scared, I'm just really stressed out right now.
I have 11 papers due before december 12th, which is only actually 13 days of school for me. And people don't understand that I just shut down when I think about it all. I just need time to figure out what is going on in my life and what parts of it are important. I'm extremely terrible at time management and in the process of trying to cut the less important stuff out of my life, I tend to cut the VERY important people out. I hate that! I don't mean to in any manner, and then it makes things more stressful because they get sad and I don't like to make people sad. I really don't mean to hurt them in any sort of way and I hate myself for doing so. But then is it actually a good idea to give up school instead? I mean some of the papers and such I can skip or write really fast, but that's too much to read and write in the 24 hours a day I have left. That's only about 500 hours left that I have to write these papers and such. How do I fit papers, reading, end of the semester projects, presentations, and tests...as well as God, boyfriend, friends, family, roommates, and well life into 500 hours???

And then there are other things that are on my mind and bothering me. I don't know how to bring it up to the people that are bothering me. And I just don't know how to approach the entire situation. How am I supposed to handle this whole situation. How do I figure this out on my own? I don't even know the process of action to take and I don't know who I can talk to about all of this without hurting these people by talking behind their backs? But at the same time, that is the issue I hold with them, that they talk behind my back...most often when I'm just sitting in the other room, so I hear everything they say. It's so hard, and it hurts and is painful. I wonder if they just smile to my face to confuse me or just to be nice to the friends who introduced us originally. I wonder why they can't just talk to me about what bothers them about me.

I know I should just go to God with all of this, and I have, but I still don't have a practical application as to how approach them.

Then there's my whole financial situation which is less than satisfactory. And that just adds twice as much stress on top of everything.

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me just say this. If you read this, please pray for me, wisdom, strength, and well everything...thanks.

Poem

Here's a follow-up to the last post...a poem (considering I was in poetry class when writing that blog). It's a villanelle (a traditional style of poetry, you still have no idea...don't worry about it).

What if I cannot find I could be great?
My life seems not to hold a guarantee.
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

I do not have the dreams that you create,
nor meander straight to my destiny.
What if I cannot find I could be great?

I sit and struggle with my own debate,
in the park near the long, unending sea.
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

I cannot find a hope, so I await
a light to illuminate my fate's key.
What if I cannot find I could be great?

Where is the life I planned when I was eight?
It is cluttered within all this debris.
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

I'm arranging my life as a clean slate.
Although, I find that you might just agree.
What if I cannot find I could be great?
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

Success or Failure

So I got really upset in chapel this morning, well not REALLY upset, but a small bit perturbed. I must say though, it tainted my entire view of the rest of the chapel, and it was something that was said in the announcements. Woody, one of our campus pastors whom I greatly admire, mentioned about how great the Alum of Azusa Pacific University are, about how they are teaching in inner city schools, working in South Africa or doing something great with their lives. (This is not a direct quotation...) And that statement perturbed me. Here's what came of it and why it perturbed me::

What if we don't do something spectacular after graduation? What if our life path is not to do something that will always be remembered, always be talked about? I just want to teach, just teach, high school, make a difference I guess. But what if I don't end up as one of those teachers they make movies about, write books about, talk about for years to come? What if I don't want to teach the difficult students, the inner cities, the outside cultures, around the world? What if I just want to teach normal Southern California students, stay here my whole life? What if I can't make a difference in what I'm doing? What if I have no other choice? What if it's too difficult to make a difference, so I just give up? Is it a requirement of this school to be an amazing person after graduation? Do you have to be one of those alum who return to tell their life story of how they saved three young third world children from starvation and death? Do you have to be a superhero? I feel like there is so much pressure in this school to be something great! Not that they are pushing you to be your best, but instead that you are expected to be a famous remembered amazing person after graduation. And if you're not, you're a failure. And that is something they don't prepare you for. They don't prepare you for failure because if you fail, you are no longer allowed to call yourself an Alum of Azusa Pacific University because they don't want failure on their reputation as a school. You just have to be great. There is no other way around it.

What if I don't want to be great? What do I do then? Drop out?

Give In

So I haven't written a poem on purpose in a while. So here's my newest one, written tonight, under an immense amount of exhaustion. Enjoy.

Give In
This strength will not last.
I will give in.
This hope will survive
I will give in.

Unwillingly I hand over a part
my flesh completely at war with my heart
I must force my hand to reach out to His
or else I'll find that I cannot live

I cannot give this body enough rest
I cannot even keep trying to resist
The Lord's undaunted conquest
I will give in.

His heart is set on fixing mine.
I must give in.
His eyes are set on seeing mine.
I must give in.

I need His peace to cover me
I need His heart to bleed into me
My life must somehow be transformed
My flesh in all must be destroyed

I cannot give this body enough rest
I cannot even keep trying to resist
The Lord's undaunted conquest
I must give in.

Changed For Good

Ok I know I just started out with a line from a song from Wicked, I thought it was fitting, but that's not actually what this is about.

I was talking to my mom the other day about how every decision we make changes us. And even every decision that others make adversly affects who we are completely. Major things like if I had been born first, if we had moved to San Diego when I was 4, if we hadn't left FUMCHUB, if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt. Life would be DRASTICALLY and completely different, no one can argue that. But even if I had just lived in the house next door to mine. If I hadn't worn that plain blue sweatshirt every day in eighth grade. If I never decided to pick up a pen and try writing a poem. If I had no emotion to let out. If I hadn't decided to cut my hair short the first time. If I had said a kinder word to Shayla in eighth grade. If I had never told that one boy I liked him. If I had never made some of those crazy split second decisions. If I had chosen the other option. What would my life be like today? Granted, it'd be different. I can't tell you whether it'd be better, or worse or somewhere in between, but I know that I would not be the person I am today.

I would not have a strong faith. I may not even truly know that God exists. I may not have the best friend I have today. I may not have endured a love and a need for writing. I may not even be an English major, although anyone who knows me now could never see anything differently. But what if I had known different people? What if you weren't the one supporting me through all these years?

I always kinda gawked at those who chalked everything up to the saying "Everything happens for a reason", but I think it's finally starting to mean something to me. If I had been at the bonfire tonight, if I wasn't taking a fencing class with my mom, if my computer hadn't crashed, I would have never spent that time with my parents. I would have never refound this music when I truly needed to hear it. I wouldn't have the time to sit here and write. God works in amazing ways. And the fact that every single one of my decisions, even the split second either option is good decisions, change your life drastically. It makes me wonder what looking back in ten years is going to do. Will I regret the decision I made tonight with staying home? Or will I remember and enjoy it that much more?

If had not made the decision to stay home, would I know truly that someone cared enough to notice I was gone? I guess that's what made me think about this again. He wanted to know what was going on, and was glad it wasn't anything worse. I wondered how many nights I would have gotten upest that he didn't think that was enough to upset over, but tonight I was able to look at every decision we have in life. You have to make A choice, that part is inevitable. But the choice we DO make, makes all the difference.

Thanks Matt for caring. I don't think you have any idea what you ever could have done for the peace God has put in me, in asking one simple question. Thank you for knowing I was not there. Even though I doubt you'll read this, I have to say thank you.

That's all.

Epiphany

Woohoo, first post of August. =)

First off, Happy birthday to my mom!! =)

ok so the real thing here, the epiphany. I was thinking about this while I was hanging out with the boys, watching two of the cheesiest movies I've seen in a really long time. haha. Here's what I came up with:

I feel basically everyone's emotions around me, whether it's pain, excitement, nonchalance, whatever, I feel it just the way they do. I may not know why, but I feel it. (For all you APU people, yes this is the Empathy in me...number 1 strength...haha) It's hard because I feel the excitement when someone falls in love, but I don't get the end result of falling in love. At the same time, it has its upsides, I may feel someone's pain, but I won't have to deal with it for the rest of my life, the wound didn't leave a scar with me. But I feel it. So when you're scared to tell me something, I'm scared too. When you're trying your hardest to be sincere, worried I won't take it the right way, don't be worried, I know you're sincere. I've known this for a while, here's the epiphany part. 

I have so many crushes throughout the years...I rarely go some long amount of time without having a crush on a boy. You know when you have feelings for someone and you care about them so much that you just feel their sadness or their joy? Well I've realized why I have a crush on basically every guy I meet, because I feel everything. I care about everyone that I feel their sadness and their joy. And everything else in between. And as everyone else chalks it up to liking someone, I chalk it up to being a friend, or maybe that I have crushes on every guy I meet. 

So the problem now becomes, when will I know? If the way you and everyone else knows is because of those feelings, those caring tender feelings, how will I know? I have those feelings every day, with every one, how will I know that the right guy is the right guy? I mean it gives me hope that I don't have to be brokenhearted about every guy because most of them I would never want to really be with anyway, but what about that one guy that I will want to be with so much someday, I just really want to know, how will I know?

That scares me.

That's all.

Short, Sweet and to the Point

I have the best friends I could ever ask for in the entire world. I hope they know just how much they mean to me. 

That's all. =)

Wishing

I wish sometimes...for a lot of things actually but here's a few...

I wish...

-that I could read a guy's mind to figure out what he's really saying without the false precept of him just trying to be nice. 

-that one of these days, someone would actually ask what's wrong and care about the answer.

-that life wouldn't repeat itself.

-that he could be a true brother, and not just another guy.

-that life would go back to being simple.

-that happiness, not joy (because joy lasts much longer...), would last for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

-that someone would see right through me, so I wouldn't have to keep up this game.

-that everyone would STOP telling me I'll find a guy...I get it, you're not the one for me, someone else is. 

-that every once in a while I could just say what I mean to those who truly want to know.

-that every once in a while I could say the things I'm thinking without the thought of how it will affect the other person (never gonna happen).

-that the words "I love you" meant more in today's society so it wouldn't seem I just throw them around like every day words, but those I love would truly know how much.

-that words would always be held up by actions, not that actions have to be held together by words.

Theme Song

So, I know I've posted a few songs on here, but this one, at least for the moment, is my theme song for my life. I love the way it says things and how it talks about who I am. It's definitely the way I'm living right now, and hey I'll be twenty in 3 months! (you'll understand when you read the lyrics...) Soo here's my theme song! =) 

Free to Be Me by Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age,

I'm still looking for a dream

A war's already waged 

for my destiny

But you've already won the battle

and you've got great plans for me

Though I can't always see

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

and on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl

I thought I had it figured out

See my life will turn out right

And I'll make it here somehow

But things don't always come that easy

and sometimes I would doubt

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

And on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Sometimes I believe

that I can do anything

Yet other times I think

I've got nothing good to bring

But You look at my heart and tell me

That I've got all You seek

and it's easy to believe even though

I've got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

and on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you.

Repeat

Have you ever noticed how life just seems to repeat itself? Like obviously not completely the same, not with the same people, but just the same situations.

In 2002, I questioned everything. I had no idea who I was, where I was going, what I wanted in life. Then I found God. In 2003, I was a new Christian, I was on top of the world and one of my best girl friends was dating one of my best guy friends. Life couldn't get better. Then things turned sour, the world started changing. I got a reality check and didn't deal with it well. I made the worst mistake of my entire life, though it's been one of the best experiences of keeping my faith. I then dealt with for the next year or so finding myself and trying to hold on to God. The next two years I got myself into some trouble and tried finding my way back to God. 

Then I had one year away from home, at school, going through the same things as I had in 2002. I questioned everything. I wasn't sure where God was taking me, and what I wanted in life had changed. Then in Summer 2008, I found God again. It's like being a new Christian again, being on top of the world, and my very best girl friend and my best guy friend are...well....close to dating. Life couldn't be any better....and that's where life is at the moment.

So what happens next? Does life again turn sour? Will the world start changing? How will I react? Will I make better choices?? Will I know more fully the grace of God? 

I'm scared for what the next few years hold for me, and for now all I can do is trust God.

That's all.

Wishes

Do you ever find yourself wishing for something different? Wishing the way things were was different? 

But then I wonder, does that really matter? If it were different, if you lived in a "perfect" world that always revolved around you, wouldn't that get boring sometimes? And you may say that your perfect world doesn't always revolve around you, but really? EVERYONE thinks about themselves before others, it's just the way this country works, the way this world works. Sin has taken over. But then I wonder, what IF we lived in a perfect world, where people cared about each other, respected each other. Sometimes I wonder if we'd laugh at all, smile at all, but is our world truly that cruel? That the only way we'd be happy is at someone else's expense?

I tend to try to have faith in humanity, but I've come to realize I can't. The one and only thing that I can put my faith in is Christ and those that live like him. You may see otherwise, and I won't argue, for now. But those that hold true joy, those that can live in happiness, in a small glimpse of that perfect world, are those that call Christ their father, their savior and their master. 

Everyone else is just fakin' it.

That's all.

Response to Nightmare?

If you want to understand this post in the least bit, I suggest you go back and read my post "Nightmare?" from May.

So I told you all that I was giving up that dream of mine, and it was true. I did. And I haven't looked back since. He is the greatest man I've known. He is the standard I will hold guys to, but he is not the one for me. And I finally know that and can say that with a smile on my face. Not a fake one, but one of satisfaction. One of hope. And one of knowing that he has made a difference in my life for the better. I only wish I could have been the same. Unfortunately I doubt that because he knew me at the worst of my times. 

I'm done saying maybe. I'm done wondering. I'm done being in charge of my own future. I've learned to love surprises. I've learned to be amazed. I can't wait to see where God takes my future, who He puts in my path.

I wish all the best to you, dear sir. I know you will succeed in whichever way you choose. I know the girl you end up with will be the luckiest girl alive, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. I may never see you again sir, though we will be in closer vicinity than we have been for the past year. It's okay. You were put in my life for a reason; you have become a chapter in my life. I'm moved on, and I only wish I will see you someday in life with a smile on your face, as always.

When no one could, you pushed me towards Christ without even knowing it. Thank you for being faithful to the God who's saved us all. To Him be the glory for our lives. 

That's all.

Apology

Well I guess I just wanted to apologize to anyone who may have been offended, hurt or whatever by anything I've said, especially if you figured out who some of the people the posts are about. They were never intended to hurt, offend or alienate anyone. That's all. 

poem

hmm so I'm thinking maybe I should just delete the post about giving up writing. new poem. doesn't really have a title, yet, but it kinda goes along with the last post i guess. enjoy?

I find myself falling for him

a terrible mistake

I can't assume he'll fall for me

or flirt for hoping's sake

I finally got over this

I was finally content

then he stepped into my life

and now I'm all but spent

He doesn't even know it

or even slightly suspect

but one day when I run away

I'm sure he'll always connect

what caused me to feel this way

what caused me to smile

while really I can't do this

I won't let my heart defile

                                      his

in a sad attempt to hold him

in a sad attempt to be his smile

I won't hurt his precious heart

I won't, I can't be vile.

Something to Think About

He's got a lot of girls around. They all fight for his attention. They want to be at his side, to hold his hand. They all claim he's asked them out, that he's in love with them.

One of these days, I'll be that girl he chooses, I'll be the one for whom he pushes through the crowd. I'll be the reason for his smile and the only one who's caught his attention.

Until that day, though, I'll be here, sitting on your couch, enjoying the show. I'll stand by and be the friend, the one friend every guy wants in the midst of the chaos of crushes, the one girl that will stand by and laugh with you at that chaos, while secretly wishing you knew.

But you'll never know. Not until you're that one guy. The one who fights for my attention and wants to be at my side, to hold my hand. The one who asks me out and falls in love with me.

Yes, it is late.

So here's some things I've learned about myself lately.

-Staying up late is creative time, but also emotional time. I get high strung and go crazy, imagining worst case scenarios and best case scenarios, nothing in between.

-I'll know within 3 months if a guy is the one for me, and either way, I'll try to sabotage whatever it is I may have with him because I'm scared.

-I freak out because I don't know how to have a relationship that works.

-I want to travel, but more than anything I really want to stay close to home.

-As much as I'm content being single right now, I know that God will someday give me the desires of my heart by blessing me with a husband and a family, whether that is soon or sometime much later.

-I know that words have a greater impact on my life than anyone else realizes.

-I know that I can no longer live behind and hide behind letters.

-I can't let my emotions, my empathy towards others, completely take over my life. For petty things, I need to let go of their disappointments, their hurts, especially when I continue to hold on to them long after they do.

-I am happy with who I am, but I'm afraid to miss out on what God has planned because I wasn't willing enough to take action.

-I'm happy that He's given me one of the biggest dreams of my heart, my book.

Life is good. God is better. There is nothing else to say, but everything else to learn. =)

Giving Up Writing

So this may come as a shock to most, or all of you, the whole five of you that may read this, but I've basically decided to give up writing.

Well not ALL writing, just most creative writing. I've realized lately that my writing comes from the emotions within me, and though while my writing may be good, those emotions are not. They hurt, they stun, they take away all joy and happiness I have in the daytime. Sometimes I feel like a vampire, or a werewolf maybe (yes yes this is a twilight reference...), but really. I'm a completely different person during the day than I am at night. During the day, I used to think it was all an act and that with nighttime came who I truly am, but I have now realized that I've had it backwards. During the day, I am the happy, joyous, gracious, affectionate, compassionate person I wish to be, but during the night I become depressed, alone, anxious, worried, needy, among other things. I don't like that person and I hate that I feel the need to stay up late to write because of when my creativity peaks. My creativity peaks when my emotions are extreme. That's at night. 

So if I give up staying up late, staying up for those emotions to sink in, then I also in essence am giving up writing. Now if I can figure out a way to write well without those extreme emotions and late nights, then well God truly has gifted me with a talent well worth using. I know that God has something planned for my writing, and maybe it truly was just to get me through the hardest years of my life. And maybe if I have tough years, or even just tough days, that writing will always be there to help me, but for now...

I'm happy, I'm content. I love where I am. And I love where God's taking me. You'll see the difference in my emotions if you check the times of my posts in my blog; they are all around midnight or later if they are upset, feeling alone, feeling inadequate, etc. But for the happy moments they are usually slightly earlier, etc. 

I know God has something better planned for my life, and if that means giving up poetry and short stories, I'm okay with that. 

This may come as a surprise with my book just being published. With taking a creative writing: poetry class next semester, with being an english major in general, but sometimes life is full of surprises. It surprised me too. I just thought of it while talking to my sister-in-law today.

Some things are better said aloud, talked out with a sister, or left unsaid. Some things are better never written down, better to be stood up for, not hidden behind in a letter. Therefore, I am giving up writing until further notice.

Alone

I believe I've blogged about this before, but I don't know if I've ever really captured the essence of what I'm trying to say. And maybe this isn't really going to help clear anything up, but here we go.

I'm stuck in the middle

somewhere in between

everything I've done 

in the past

and you in front of me

something somewhere

some went wrong

a hopeless thought

in a cloud so long

it drifts away 

holding your name

dragging along

my heart.

Okay so that's not really where I was going, but hey I got a poem out of it. Anyway what I was trying to say was this.

I'm stuck in the middle somewhere. I'm not really sure in between what. Between home and school? One church and another? And even yet another? Between my friends here and my friends there? Between my heart here and my heart overseas? Between faith hope and love and the humanity of my heart? Between desire and deceit? Between the overcoming selfishness, indulgences of my flesh, and the overwhelming spirit, God's peace in every moment? 

Where ever it is that I'm in between, it's most definitely the sand that holds my drifting thoughts and the rock that holds my life together. Maybe I should explain this in more concrete words. I don't want to talk to my friends because I know they'll ask about my trip, but I can't simply tell them about my trip, so I ignore them, afraid of their questions. But I want to talk to my friends because I don't know what else to do. I go through each day with work and church and work and weekends and find myself wondering where the days went. I can go days without talking to any friends because I don't make the effort to talk to them. I guess I'm waiting for them to talk to me, but even then I'm discouraged and don't have the energy. That's a horrible thing to say about friends. I guess I'm learning that friendship can be some sort of a disappoint if you try too hard to make it work. I've tried too hard and too long to make certain friendships work that I feel like giving up on all of them. Does that even make sense?

Obviously there are those I can never let go of, but even that number is surprisingly few. I want people to know me, but I don't want to just always offer the information. I want them to ask questions. But then, didn't I just say I didn't want their questions? Maybe I'm not really coming to a conclusion at all, I just feel as if I'm stuck in between where I was, who I was, and where God's taking me, who He wants me to be. But then I feel as if I'm not doing anything to move that forward, which puts me more in a down mood, especially spending all this time alone. How do I just up and become that godly woman God wants me to be? I know it takes time, but how do I even start? I believe THAT has been my question since 7th grade, the one question that supplied my doubt of God's truth, the one question that kept me looking for more, something, anything. Now at least I know for certain of God's truth, but I do believe this question is still leading me to look for more.

That's all.

Peace

So do you ever feel such attachment to something that you don't even realize it until you've given it away? 

I have no regrets of giving the necklace away tonight. She needs God's peace tonight more than I do, but at the same time I bought it for myself so that I would be reminded of God's peace, and now I'm sad that I no longer have it. Something in me just had the urge to be selfless and give it away, but something else ached in me and ate at me telling me it didn't matter that much; she wouldn't even notice otherwise.

I hate the double life. I hate the twisted pain. I love her. And I love that I got to share His overwhelming peace with her, and I know that necklace is around a beautiful and worthy neck, but that small part of me it's overwhelmingly sad, without a slight of peace. Ironic isn't it? As if that necklace actually held His peace in my heart, though I've only owned it for about two weeks. 

But I know that He is holding her tonight in His loving arms and wrapping her in His flood of peace. And that's enough to be okay with letting go of something so trivial, something on this earth.

Here We Go!!

yay!!! I'm leaving for Israel in a few hours! I'm so incredibly excited!! My stomach is turning!

So here's goodbye, if I didn't get a chance to say goodbye!

And I'll take lots of pictures, and show you them ALL later! 

Prayers please!! =)

Give up?

What exactly does it take to give up? Just in general. Does it take a complete and utter sense of defeat?Does it take an ultimate realization that you should no longer try? That it is no longer in your capability to pursue? 

The dictionary definition states that giving up is to concede or relinquish. To surrender. To abandon hope. Despair. To desist from and denounce. To lose hope of seeing. To admit defeat. To part with. Relinquish possession or control over. Leave voluntarily. To cease to do. To stop. To lose hope for. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do. Lose your right. Give up with the intent of never claiming again. Give up what is not strictly needed. Part with a possession or right. Stop maintaining or insisting on. Stop consuming.

In other languages give up is said as zanechat, vzdat se, holde op, opgive, opgeven, lopettaa, cesser, aufgeben, abbahagy, berhenti, smettere, abbandonare, atmest, pamest, mesti, liautis, gi opp, *avkall pa, zaprzestac, desistir, largar, a abandona, prestat', vzdat' sa, opustiti, dejar de, abandonar, rendirse, sluta, upphora....and more.

But that's all fine and dandy, but what does it mean in my life to really give up everything I have to Him. Give up all of it for Him. 

Or maybe this is for a much less important part of my life, and it is simple my questioning of whether I have fully given it up, or if there's still a small part of me holding on, not surrendering, not losing hope, not admitting defeat. 

We'll see.

Israel in 2 days!!!! =)

What if...

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I was just a year younger, if I was just one year behind in school. There are so many amazing people I have met that are just a year younger than me, or even just a grade behind in school. These are the people I wanted to be around, be with in high school and now even in college.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the friends I have, the people I've met along the way, and the lives that have touched mine, but what if.

I guess there's no use in asking what if because well, it doesn't happen, it won't happen, and I can't take back those years. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just wish sometimes that I could have had better friendships with a lot of my friends, or mere acquaintances, if only I had been a year behind in school.

But at the same time, I would not be in the friendships I'm in now with some of the people who love me most, so would I give that up? No. There's just those days when I want to go back and do it all over again. 

Especially right now when I don't really seem to fit in with those I'm around. And those I do fit in with are out being who God wants them to be which unfortunately for me takes them further away. Maybe this is God's hint to cling to Him for strength and friendship, but He's got to know that I need friends here too right? She's in Maui, he and I don't talk, she's in Rancho, he and I are complicated, she's in Covina, she and I have opposite schedules, she and I are drifting, she's in South Carolina, she and I have lost touch, and the rest have dispersed because it's summer. So what now? Where do I stand? I'm in the middle between my grade and theirs, just wanting a close friend to stand by me, to hang out with. But I know it's only because God's up to something.

=)

Songs, Songs, Songs

Do you ever just have a song that seems to get you through each day? I was listening to my music on shuffle today and came across a song that was that for me about five years ago. It's amazing how wonderful it really is too. Here it is.

Say Won't You Say by Jennifer Knapp

Say won't you say

say that you love me

with love, ever, love, love, everlasting?

All my devotion put into motion by You

Every morning I

have a chance to rise and give my all

but every afternoon I find I have only wasted time

In light of Your awe

Isn't love amazing, I forgot how to speak

knowing You are near and I am finally free

Say won't You say

say that You love me

with love ever, love everlasting?

All devotion put into motion by You

My eyes fear to close

this reckless letting go is hard to bear

on the edge of all I need, still I cling to what I see

and what have I there?

Bred my own disaster, who have I to blame?

When all I need is waiting to be fanned to flame

Say won't You say

say that You love me

with love ever, love everlasting?

All my devotion put into motion by You

I opened up my eyes to see You standing there

Oh I can barely breathe, and I can hardly bear

All the love that I feel for You inside

I hope You feel it now, some, somehow

Say won't You say

say that You love me

with love ever, love everlasting?

All my devotion put into motion by You, by You.

=)

happy day

sometimes I think I get caught up on all the bad stuff that is going on in life, the unfortunate things, the inconveniences and the loss of hope and dreams this world sometimes brings. 

But what about those days when your dreams come true? I have to write about those days too, don't I? To only let you read about the sadness and hurt in my life could pretty much depress anyone, so here's to those who have been waiting for a happy post, an exciting post.

Yesterday I received in the mail, the first copy of My Life in a Bookshelf by Shannon Lazear. Yes that's ME!! It's just poetry and short stories, and it's not available to the public yet, there's still some of the process I have to go through, but the fact that I got to hold a book that has my name in print, and what is inside is all of MY writing and no one else's, is pretty much one of my biggest dreams come true. At this point in life, I'm not sure much what else to ask for.

PS I haven't thought about wanting, okay to be honest I can't say wanting, but I'll say...I haven't really longed for, been pining after, or dwelling on the thought of needing or even just wanting a guy in my life at this moment in about two weeks. I have my God. I have my family. I have my friends. And now I even have my writing. What more could I ask for? 

It's a happy day! =)

kate

sometimes death hits closer than we'd like. To think, a young girl, our age, who we lived and went to school with all year, is just simply in one night, gone? How does that happen? I know life can come and go, and it all can end in an instant, but does it really have to? 

Granted, I didn't know Kate too well, maybe met her once or twice, but still, the reality of it. The deep crazy reality, that though we are young, though we are fearless and strong, although we seem to be a generation who believes we are invincible, simply we are not. We are just as susceptible to death as the rest of the population. We are just as close to the end of our lives as we will ever be. Maybe this is a pessimistic way to look at it, but every day we live, is one day closer to the end.

I'm not saying I won't like the end, but there's just so much I want to do, to accomplish, to see through. I want to have a family, I want to finish school, to teach, to write and be published, but if God sees fit, and has a bigger plan for the world, without me in it, then I say take me.

Maybe that could make this scarier, but maybe instead it makes it more peaceful, knowing she is in the Lord's hands, knowing it is completely in His control, not man's, knowing then when we leave this place, I'll get to rest in His arms forever.

She has a quote on her facebook, which I thought was appropriate, so I thought I'd share it... "I want the promised Kingdom without the present one. But in the meantime, I must learn to dance with a foot in both kingdoms." --S. Arthur.

Kate, now you get to dance in the one Kingdom without this present one, with your Heavenly Father, for eternity. Enjoy your time, until we join you. =) You will most definitely be missed.

family again

Don't take advantage of the time you spend with your family. Enjoy every moment of it because in an instant it can all be taken away. You don't realize that the last time you said goodbye was really the last time. Realizing that we aren't invincible makes living life all the more sweeter because as long as you cherish the time you have with the ones you love, you won't regret it when they're gone.

Now thank goodness I have not lost my Pa (my mom's Dad). He is the funniest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever known, and I would miss his hugs and his smiles dearly. He had a heart attack the other night, but luckily, he is still alive. I have only lost one family member in my entire life, my great grandmother, who was getting up in her years when she passed of old age and some illness. That was maybe 4 years ago, but it was at least slightly expected. 

I don't know how to deal with grief. People who have been long time family friends, or even just a member of our church, have passed away and I've cried my heart out for them. I wonder how I would react if someone actually close to me died. I understand that as I get older, they also get older. The more days we live brings more chances for us to die, although that is a rather pessimistic way to look at it, it is also a realistic view. 

I love my Pa. I thank God that he is alright. I love my family. Lord please let me spend a few more years with them, to appreciate the time I have with them before they're gone, or I'm gone. 

jumbled rambles

Is it really a compliment when people tell me they're jealous I'm good at tetris? Can I reply with saying I'm jealous you're good at having a life? Obviously I have nothing better to do than play tetris. At least if it was some other game, like some game that actually took a lot of "skill" then it could be taken as some sort of compliment.

It's really sad, I was thinking, if you're life theme song, is a whole cd of breakup songs. If those are the songs you love and want to listen to everyday to give you a boost to get through life. Isn't that why though that breakup songs sell?

Is it really hard to just do something for yourself every once in a while? Is it too hard to say no just because you don't want to hurt their feelings when in reality they only keep asking because they don't want you to miss out and they care about you enough to keep asking, because they know you're stubborn? But what if you just really don't want to do it, you aren't in the mood or whatever, and you have to make up some sort of excuse. Is it worth it to say no if you have to make up an excuse, if you're not bold enough to tell them the whole reason, or is it okay and even one step forward instead of one step back because at least you're standing up for it and saying no, actually taking some time for yourself?

Does anything in movies, actually ever happen in real life? Hmm...I guess not, so why am I still dreaming for that fairytale?

Does anyone even actually read my blogs? Or do I just ramble to the world wide web? Could I post something outrageous and have no one actually know? Let's not try that though...

family

I love my family. They are just the most amazing people I could ever ask for in life. No matter how my day's been, good or bad, great or absolutely terrible, they are there at the end of the day. I can relax with them. I can be happy with them.  I can laugh with them. We think alike, for the most part, and it's so nice to just feel safe with them. 

Even with my brothers being away, I know that they will always listen. If something was really bothering me, I could run away to them. And both their significant others are always so sweet, really like sisters. 

I am blessed to have a family who is truly proud of me, who are truly proud of each other. I am blessed to have a grandfather who is completely stoked to work with his grandkids and will take every chance he gets to show that off. I am blessed to have a grandma and an aunt and a mom who will spend hours talking and enjoying each other's company just like they were teenagers again, because they are the best of friends. I am blessed to have a dad who will surprise mom and me with random gifts just because he likes to see us smile and have fun.

I am blessed to have a family who all love the Lord and will lead me in that way, who will be there when I'm struggling following God and will give me some direction and hold me up. I am so proud of my family when my friends see my family and tell me they wish they're family was just like mine. I am blessed to have a family who will take in all of those friends and treat them just as family. 

I love my family so incredibly much and I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are my refuge, my safe haven, my security and my happiness. In them, I found God. What more could I ask for?

DAMN IT!

Do you ever do or say something and then instantly when you turn away just want to take it all back? I guess that's how I feel tonight because I know that I can't take a goodbye back. I guess I could try, but really it won't work. I hate that I calm things down when I start typing them out. Tonight will be the first night in a really long time that I've cried myself to sleep.

I wanted to say goodbye didn't I?? I wanted to make it end. I wanted to let go and get out from under this grip he has on my heart. But why did I have to see him in person to do it? Why did I have to make the trip and hand him the letter? Why did he have to be happy about giving me a hug?? If I could take it all back now, I don't know what I'd do. I had finally gotten down to that 1% of hope, so much so that I would make a last effort by seeing him, make that last effort by giving him the letter myself. But damn it boy, why'd you have to give me a hug?

I know I know, it's just a hug, but you know how much I love your hugs. That brought me back to at least 75% and now I feel like I was the biggest idiot in the world saying goodbye and turning away. Damn it, if I could do it all over again, maybe I would have run back to you and given you a better hug, maybe I would have stolen the letter back and not let you read it.

But what's done is done. There is no moving back, but only moving forward. So here's my plea to you, if you ever get around to reading this, here's what I should have said in that letter. 

Maybe someday I would love to have you back in my life, but right now you just can't be. I have to learn to be myself out on my own without a crutch to fall back on my old life. I know you'll always be there for me and that's what scares me most because I really need everyone to fail me so that I more completely rely on God for everything. If someday, even soon, if you want to really know me, the complete me, the real me, the me I found in college, maybe we can start this friendship over. 

I love you, and as I said in the letter, that won't change.

but damn it, why is it always so hard to say goodbye?

Mr. Right

My newest poem. A follow up to the previous post. 

Mr. Right

I wrote you a speech tonight

one you'll never hear

one you'll never let me say

one I almost fear

you're the one I look to

when tears cloud o'er my eyes

you're the one I fear that I

may have to walk away from in surprise

telling you you're worth it

for some other gal

but for me tonight

you'll always be just my pal

it may not change the way you think

or what you think about me

but when I turn around, I'm walking out

and every day I'll be

waiting just around the corner

to hear you call after me

but when I hear your whisper

I'll know, it's always been just a dream.

Nightmare?

What happens when you come to that day where all you can think about is the fact that you have to give up a dream you've had for so long?

Even as I write this, I tend to run away. I write a sentence and then step back to really think about if I want to put this in words, or instead just continue to let it sit in the back of my mind. I get distracted by not wanting to think that it just may very well be time to simply give up this dream.

You may not know which dream I'm talking about, but as to the looks of it, it isn't writing. ;) So I'm sure most of you realize which dream I'm talking about.

I guess I've made too much of a situation that just isn't there. Maybe, I always say. Maybe I'll just wait. Maybe next year. Maybe something will happen. I spent a year of my life waiting, and maybe that's okay. I needed that year to just not deal with the hassle of boys. I needed that year desperately to clean up my act. So I'm not saying I wasted that year, because it was definitely well spent pining after a lot of other things rather than a guy, but deep inside, way back in my mind, he was still there, and I was still pining after him. 

Everyone says we deserve our chance, but what chance is that if he doesn't want it? What chance do I have to deserve if it's only a one-sided affection? He's the greatest man I've ever known, but for once in the past four years, I'm thinking, maybe he's just not who I should be pining after. 

You may respond saying, well maybe that's just because your heart's not completely set on God and so God wants you to pine after Him first. And I understand that. It's a valid argument, but it's wrong. The way I feel about this, is that maybe we're not supposed to get our dream man. He is my dream man, yes. And he will, for a very long while, be the standard I compare everyone else to, but that's why I have to let go.

Does he even know the emotions, the feelings, the passion that drive me to write this much about struggling after an answer? Yet every time I see him, I can't help but smile. Every time I hear his name, my heart races. My friends understand how much I like him, how much I admire him because they see the happiness, the laughter, the smiles, the giddiness that comes over me whenever I talk about him.

I thought with him coming to my school next year, all of it would change. That maybe we would have our chance. But the same conclusion keeps coming up in my mind, what if that chance just doesn't exist?

That's when my dream turns into a nightmare. But is it really a nightmare if God holds someone even better than my dream out there for me?

Graduation Cards

What do you write in a graduation card?

Should I just look back on all the cards I got last year and get ideas from that?

Or should it actually be something meaningful? Are they too good of friends for me to write anything sentimental and meaningful, or do they both already know that I'm such a writer that I won't just leave it at congratulations?

change is here

I've said I hate change, and well frankly, most of the time I do. But this, this change I'm learning to be okay with, I'm learning to enjoy.

I no longer have my cherished 2am conversations with my brother because they've CHANGED into lunchtime conversations at work.

I felt like I was losing him to Blythe, but really, he was only losing her to me. (That's what he gets for giving his little sister what she's wanted all her life...a sister.)

I felt as if I had to give up friendships to work out things with God, choosing one or the other, but instead, with His help, those friendships CHANGED into the most cherished ones I miss.

I've made some wonderful friends and learned to let go of others.

I've been scared about the future, and frankly, that hasn't changed. I'm still afraid of stepping out with my writing, but soon, soon enough, that will also change.

It all comes down to one thing. Trust. Trusting God that He has a plan. That He has a better plan. When I got that straight, change didn't look so bad. =)

understanding the Black Hole of my thoughts

Do you ever get caught in a black hole? Like how you're just not really sure what you're supposed to be thinking? Where everything in life is fantastic, but at the same time is the worst it could be? Is there ever that moment that you justify the bad stuff and celebrate the good stuff, just so you can make it to the end of the day? Do you ever feel what your purpose is in life, but at the same time question the entire thing? Do you ever feel like you are just two completely different human beings inhabiting the same body and fighting over who gets to breathe?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just slowed down and stopped? If you took a moment to look around, to take in the surroundings, to understand the circumstances, to see what's in front of you? What lies ahead scares me, but what lies behind is done and over. I can't change that, yet at the same time, I can't simply stand still. On each side I have a choice, whatever my wish, whatever my pleasure, it's my decision to make. All around are the voices, the opinions, the criticisms, the praises, the joy and laughter, the pain and tears, the screams and the whispers, but in the end it is ultimately my choice, my voice, my decision. 

Let me put this in simple terms. I don't want to go to Calvary. I feel like it's a burden. I feel completely weighed down. I want to go to Flipside, but that requires an hour and a half drive up and back each week. So where does that leave me, with the choice to go to my parent's church, Beachpoint. It's nice, it's great, there are some definitely wonderful people there, but it's just somewhere in between. I'm stuck in between; in between churches; in between school years; in between chapters; in between life, in a black hole. I know it's only four months. I know it's just the summer; soon enough I'll be back at Flipside and I won't have to worry about this decision at all. 

I can't wait to be back at Flipside. Kevin asked me to share my testimony come fall, and I can't wait. I don't know what it is inside of me, probably God, but when Kevin asked me if I would, I could think of no better answer than "of course!" That night I felt like God was telling me that my story would go far. That this was the reason He has me at Flipside. That even if I made no other impact on anyone, at least I will have shared my story, maybe given one person a reason to live. Even when I write about it now, that I get to share my testimony again, my heart races because I just cannot wait to share it. I know He has something great planned for my testimony, whenever it is that I give it, but I don't know what that is. And I really believe He won't let me see it. Not because He's mean or taunting me, but because my pride has become a huge issue lately. If I see what impact my  testimony has on someone else, I will count it to my own strength, not His. 

Then there's this boy thing. I can't get over it. It's been four years, and I just haven't figured out how to let go. And now he'll be closer than ever. Here's the thing, I've always tried, ever since I started liking him, trying to make myself get over him because he's never showed interest in me, and that's basically just my rule. I can't like a guy that would never have feelings for me. It usually works when another guy enters the picture. And I would pretty much force other guys into the picture, whether it be boyfriends, hookups or crushes. When the boyfriend didn't get my mind off this boy, I tried hookups...or friends with benefits. When that didn't work either, I just tried to stay with simple crushes. All that did for me was make me like this boy more and more. I feel like every time I ran after some other guy all I wanted to do was die, I was so far from God, not necessarily because of the guy, but just because I was obsessing my time over them, tearing my heart apart trying to rid myself of this boy. But, every time I'm with the boy, even if I just see him for a moment, a smile comes to my face and all I want to do is pray. I know it's crazy, it's weird, whatever you want to call it, but every single time I'm around him, I want to pray, I want to talk to God, I just want to be with God. And there's just so much that's happened, that only I see, that only God and I know, that makes me think...maybe, maybe someday he'll want to be with me too.

Well then there's work. I love working, I love getting paid. I love making money so I can actually do stuff, or save up for stuff. What I miss now, is hanging out with people, going to the movies, hanging out at the beach, taking random drives. I miss writing, and reading, and sleeping in til noon. 

My head is spinning with too many things. Too many questions. Part of me, just wants to please everyone else, but somehow, I think it's quite impossible to make it to three church services on the same day...at least with these certain three churches. I'm afraid to put my writing out there for anyone to look at, other than a blog, because I'm scared of what might come from it. Apparently my dad thinks I'm going to be a high school English teacher with a internet side business, a copywriting side job, as well as being an author on the side of all that. And while that would be all nice and lucrative, I want to be happy. I want to have a family. I don't want my entire life to be work. Sure I'll still be writing, Lord only knows, hopefully I'll be writing til the day I die. 

What if he took that away? What if he made it impossible for me to write. Took away my speech so I couldn't tell a story. Took away my hands so I couldn't write one down. Took away every possible means of imagination. What if I no longer could put pencil to paper? What if one day I had to give it all up for one reason or another? Could I? Would I? I wonder if writing has become an idol sometimes, but then I realize that most of my writing is crying out to God. It is no more an idol than David's Psalms were to him. Though I may not be as eloquent as David, I surely use my poetry in a similar manner. 

Lord let me give up everything in this black hole. Let my nightmares cease. Take what you want, of everything I am and everything I say I need. Lord you know what will make me better and what to leave behind, Lord please just tell me "you are always Mine."

I know this gives no clarity to the confusion that I have labeled the Black Hole, but at least you now know some of what's going through my head when I tell you that's the state I feel as if I'm in.

Silence

Do you ever feel like no one's listening? Like maybe if you just spoke a little louder someone could hear you and then they'd listen? Well I've gotten to the point of shouting, and yet it's all the same. Those around me never listen. Those around me just don't care. So I've resolved, after losing my voice to those who don't care, to speak softly to whomever will listen. Those who throw away my whispers and my yells are the ones that I should learn to move on from. However, the ones, the few, that will listen to my whispers, who will turn around when I speak, those are the ones I want in my life always. So this is to those that have chosen to listen to the whisper. But also to those who have ignored my screams. Thank you, because in one way or another, you've shaped who I am and I am where I am in part because of you.

The only thing I wonder about now, the only thing I wish I understood is why I've continued for so long to scream right in front of you while you stare through me with a blank gaze, never returned, never acknowledging my presence, except once, or maybe twice. I'm hopeful I guess, and each of those moments brings my hope back to 100% only to watch it whittle back down to about 2% before I decide it's worth it to give up the screaming. You always catch that hope, and sometimes I wish you wouldn't. It's at about 50% right now, and decreasing quickly, but as I lose hope in you, would you let me? When I get down to the end of letting go, would you please, please, let me? Don't call me your sister, don't call me your friend, don't call me anything, truly, just let it be the end. You don't want to hear me and my heart is sick of crying. Let me just be done. Let me just let go. You no longer hold my heart, except for that one last string of hope.

As for those who'll hear my whispers. As for you who listen. I love you and I thank you that you're here. And though I may give it up and run back to those who won't even hear my screams, I pray you know you're the best part of me. Without you, there would be no me. I treat you like crap, I'm sure. I weigh my world on your shoulders, I know. And I see that now, and don't worry, I've decided to lighten the load. I'd love to listen to your whispers. I'd love to carry your burdens. I'd love to walk alongside you, so I may return your favor.

Absent

I saw a scene today, of a friend and his brother. It was sad and disheartening, but this is what came of it (even though it really seems to have nothing to do with it...I promise, deep down, it does haha).

Absent

put through trials

I shouldn't have to face

stand up to those

who show such disgrace

you should be here

you should be the one

but you've thrown it all on me

when I should be your son

talk to the brothers

make them understand

protect the sisters

from another man

you should be here

you should be the one

but you've thrown it all on me

when I should be your son

take care of mother

don't let her slip

when I return

I'll take the grip

but you aren't here

you aren't the one

you've thrown it all on me

I don't want to be your son.

My Music

So I was listening to music again and I came across the song, "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson. It really made me laugh. I used to listen to that song when I was down or had just gone through something with a boy, and it would give me this empowering feeling that I was better than that and I could get through anything without [insert name here] in my life. 

I was listening to it again today and simply had to laugh. The whole premise of the song is that she can't be anything without this guy by her side, and she's finally breaking out of that and not letting the guy see her cry. One of the lines "you made me feel alright for once in my life" made me laugh especially because it makes me think that the message we're giving girls is, "your life is so messed up, so go find a guy to make it all better. He's the only thing that can fix it." I'll admit, I've fallen prey to this lie as well, but it simply IS NOT TRUE. And being where I am now with God and knowing that He is the only one who makes life feel alright, and he will not abandon us, makes me feel secure and safe, more than any guy ever could. He wants to see our tears, not because they give him power over us but just so that He can love and comfort us.

The very first verse also gets me when it says "I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong, Your arms around me tight, Everything, it felt so right, Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong, Now I can't breathe, No I can't sleep, I'm barely hanging on" again emphasizes that we can't be anything without a guy. I really hate that. If we can only stand tall and be strong when we're leaning on the arms of a guy, are we really standing tall and strong?? Shouldn't instead, our strength come from God. His strength will last and will not abandon. 

So as I had a fun laugh this morning, I am glad to know that I stand strong because I have God and that He is the only one that will keep me safe and secure, making life feel alright. 

I understand this song is just the hurt and sadness of a break up, and I definitely have been there and thought this song completely was talking about me, but I'm just happy to be where I am, not attached to any guy, just hanging on Christ. =)

Worlds Apart--Jars of Clay

I absolutely love this song. And I thought I'd share the lyrics because they are amazing. The ending additional lyrics I believe is the best part of the song. This song is a representation of my life, basically. enjoy. =)

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all ends up the same

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but love

to give and die

To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves

more deeply than the oceans,

more abundant than the tears

Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you-take my world apart

To need you-I am on my knees

To love you-take my world apart

To need you-broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own

It takes all I am to believe

In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart.

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

and wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

More and more I need you now,

I owe you more each passing hour

the battles between grace and pride

I gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take the pain

and wash my feet and cleanse my pride

take the selfish, take the weak

and all the things I cannot hide

take my beauty, take my tears

this sin -soaked heart and make it yours

take my world all apart

take it now, take it now

and serve the ones that I despise

speak the words I can't deny

watch the world I used to love

fall to dust and blow away

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

and wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

take my beauty, take my tears

this sin-soaked heart and make it yours

take my world apart, take my world apart,

I pray, I pray, I pray

take my world apart.

One year ago today...

Oh My God

It's times like these

and days like this

that make me want

to cry out

Oh my God

why aren't you here?

Oh my God

why do I fear?

Oh my God

that's all I know

'cause you're my God

deliverer of hope

for days I cry

and months I see

everywhere in passing

memories of you and me

just let go

just move on

well that might be easy

but only for some

my tears will come

nothing I can do

except remember one day

I'll again see you.

R.I.P. Mrs. Gallo...4/11/07

I DO know

So my friend the other day published this blog called "I don't know." She talked all about how she didn't know where she was or what she was going to be doing in the next few years, few months, few days. She didn't know who she was going to be with, if she'll get a divorce, what she wanted to do with her life, or whether she would end up liking the life she leads. Most of all she said she didn't know when she would die, how she would die, or where she would be after she died. She said it scared her to death sometimes. I read this and started to wonder about myself, how I don't know, how I question everything everyday, leaving everything simply to possibility. But then I realized, I do know.

I may not know where I'll be in the next few days, months or years, but I know it's where God wants me. I may not know who I'm going to be with, but I know that God is holding someone out there for me, whether it's someone I've met or not. I know what I want to do with my life, but it is also very likely that God will change my plans. I don't know if I'll like the life I lead, but I know that as long as I'm with God and follow Him, He will like it and that's all that matters. I don't know when I'll die or how I'll die, but that's okay because I know that ultimately my life is in God's hands. And as for where I'll end up after I die, that I DO know. I will be with God, in Heaven because His Son has saved me from anything and everything that would send me to Hell. He has paid the price so I don't have to. And maybe life scares the hell out of me sometimes, but I know it's just because I'm not in control, and relinquishing that control to God can be the most difficult thing in the world, but I'm learning to let go. All that matters is that I DO know where I'll be. And I DO know who I'll be with. So dying doesn't scare me so much, but more so just the living. But it's okay because I know that God is in control. And that makes ALL the difference. =)

Lies

So I lied when I told you I didn't care. When I said it really didn't matter, and I knew and was okay with the fact that God has something bigger planned for me in the next year. I lied when I said it didn't matter that I wasn't a part of anything, God would bring me something else.

I know I should just trust God, that's the answer I've been instilled with since birth basically. Trust God because all bad things, all sad things, all the things that hurt, just means I wasn't trusting God enough to let go of it when I should have right? But then I'm putting the blame on myself for trying and if I had that attitude, should I really try anything? 

I wanted Alpha, yes very much so. Yes it sucks that I didn't get it. Yes I know God has something else planned for next year, but that doesn't mean anything. In high school, I wasn't the SUPER involved type, but I liked to be involved with stuff with friends, like homecoming floats, or class stuff. And now, so many of my friends, or basically all of my friends applied for Alpha and got it, but I didn't. And Alpha seems to be this such tight knit group that I feel like because I'm not a part of it with them, they'll just tell me, you don't understand it's an alpha thing, and I'll lose the few friends I have here just because I'm not in alpha. 

I know why I didn't get Alpha, and the issue isn't so much alpha itself, but more or less just not being a part of something. I know no one on campus because I haven't involved myself in anything, and the few things I've tried to be involved in, don't want me. So where am I supposed to go from here?? What do I do? What can I do? Who can I meet?? 

I guess I'm just fed up about hearing all about alpha, but with who my friends are, I know I'm going to be hearing about it for the next...entire year probably. I guess I just have to deal with it and be happy and excited for them. That's one of my strengths anyway right, empathy?? 

And if my friends read this, I am happy for you, I promise. I'm so excited to see how God uses you in the lives of your freshman. I'm just bummed because I have no idea how God is going to use me at all. oh well.

Double Life

So my mind is basically in shambles right now because I feel like there's this double life I'm living. Like on one hand, I really have a ton of friends and I love it and we all give each other hugs and life is grand. Then there's the other side which just really wants to be alone, doesn't really feel like I have many friends and it's sadly depressing.

I'll give an example. There's this guy, and he gives me hugs and will put his hand on my shoulder while we talk, etc. That's just the way he is, and I love it. There's one side of me that really wants it and loves the hugs and the small things and I just wish he'd hold me in his hugs forever, but then there's the other part of me that's yelling at him (inside my head of course) to back off and just push him away because I'm afraid of being friends with a guy. I don't know how I can want both at the same time. 

Is this normal? Or is this just me being ridiculous and having no idea who I am?

I hate debates

So basically I'm completely sick of the whole home schooling, public schooling debate. It's so stupid because the arguments from both sides come as "you just don't know; if you had been brought up in [insert type of schooling here] then you would see it so much differently, you would see it my way." I will say, I am guilty of this myself but it frustrates me because even when I try to defend home schooling and say that it is great and then they get upset because "I just don't get it." But here's my thing, if you're not even going to let me say anything without bashing me for it, can we just give it up please? because if I say it's great you tell me why I can't say that, and if I tell you it's terrible you tell me why I can't say that either, so if I lie somewhere in between you tell me I just don't get it. And I'd rather just end the whole conversation agreeing to disagree because even home schoolers just don't get it sometimes?? It's not just us stupid public schoolers okay? Please see that.

I know that I have friends from both and hopefully this whole debate will not separate us. I love them all. =)

Waiting gets harder each day

My brother got married March 8th. My friend got engaged March 18th. And my RA got engaged March 22nd. So where's my ring?...or more appropriately, where's my man?

It's funny how God puts these situations in our lives, or maybe it's Satan tempting us and God just helping us through it. But do you ever notice how when you finally say you're giving something up to God, whole-heartedly, no questions asked, it seems to just fall right back into your lap??

I had decided, around Christmas time, I was just going to give up this whole looking for a guy thing and be content with who I am, focusing on my studies, upcoming surgery and brother's wedding. Yet with all the wedding plans rolling around, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding someday and how I just feel like I should have found the guy by now. And then because of that way of thinking, I look at every guy differently, which is a bummer because I really want to just be friends with a lot of guys, but with where my mind is right now, it's really REALLY hard. Second, let me preface this with saying I absolutely loved being in my brother's wedding and being a part of that and that they're married now, but...I just wish it was me. I wish I wasn't just the sister of the groom or a bridesmaid. I mean I wouldn't necessarily want to be married to any guy I know right now considering in my entire life there are only two guys I know that I could even possibly see myself marrying...maybe that's a lot. 

I have this saying that I really only have to be attractive to one man, my future spouse, but it is really nice to be told your beautiful or pretty, and it's hard. I just want a guy that I can hang out with, talk with, hold hands with, watch movies with, smile with, laugh with. All of my past relationships have been either really hard and complicated, or I was in simply out of what I felt was obligation...I really just want to be in a relationship that I can feel at ease in, not more stressed out, I want to have fun, not be worried every moment. And maybe that's why God hasn't brought someone around yet, but it seems he's not making it very easy to be content with myself either, with watching Sarah and Becca both get engaged over Spring Break. They are so happy, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time I'm completely and utterly jealous.

Maybe this is what shows that I'm not ready for it, but I don't know how to get there. I want to be married young, and maybe that's just my plan and not God's but we'll see. I guess I fit that stereotypical Christian college girl who just wants to go to school to get married, which is not completely true because I'm here for school definitely, but every day I just find myself wishing.

The worst part is that one of the two guys I've met that I could see myself possibly marrying (not that I will, but maybe a guy like either of them) goes to my school and the other one may come here next year. 

So I had let it go at Christmas and I didn't even have a crush on any boy. Then I got back to school and met a boy and have had two crushes (including that boy) since. Neither of which will ever become anything.

I just wish I knew how to let it all go.

one week..and counting...

so in one week, so much will be different.

In one week...

My brother will be married.

I will have a sister.

That's enough change for me. Life in the next week is going to be insane. APU v Biola is Monday. Academic Advising is Monday. I have a paper due Tuesday. I get a midterm back Tuesday. I have a presentation Tuesday. Then I have a nice looong drive home. Then the craziness of the wedding begins. Thursday is the bachelorette party. Friday is the rehearsal and dinner. Saturday...THE WEDDING! Sunday....life is different. I'll have a sister, and my brother will be married. 

I want to say that I'm losing my brother in a way. That I won't be able to have those 2AM conversations that I used to cherish through high school, just sitting on the stairs talking about the hard stuff. He's been one of the biggest role models in my life, and now I feel like I'm losing him to Blythe, but this is just how life works right? But I guess if you look at it the other way, I'm actually gaining a role model. I love Blythe and I would ask for no better girl for Josh. There is no better girl for him or our family. I know she's not stealing him away, and I know that I will see them again. Plus, didn't I leave behind those 2AM conversations when I left for school? Isn't it me then that first let go? I don't know why this is going to be so hard. It will be just the same as it has been for the past two years of them dating, except that she will actually live with him in the apartment.

I think I just don't like change. But it's not like I can actually stop change. So here comes the bride. One week.

Is it possible?

Is it possible to hate someone you're supposed to love? What does the word hate even truly mean? Is it such a disgust that you can't stand the sight of the person? That their smile and their eyes burn like fire in your heart. That when you see them, hear them or just simply hear their name you want to scream out in a furious passion against why they were ever put in your life. That when they give you fake hellos and sensitivity you just want to call them out and call them so many names I can't list here. What creates this hate? Is it something they did to you? Or is it, in essence, purely something they've done to someone we love? How do we hate them, then, if the one we love, still loves them? Are we called to just deal with it? To love them unconditionally? I think I could handle it, and I don't think it would be hate, if it was for something done to me. But if you hurt someone I love, and you mess with their heart, it's hard to say I don't hate you. 

I don't hate many. Very few indeed. Maybe not even anyone in lasting time. But at this very moment, I do hate someone. I don't know how to forgive and let go. I don't think I can.

But I have to, don't I? You want me to don't you? But how? 

change is coming

So I've been inspired by my brother to actually use this blog as a blog instead of just a homework assignment as it began.

There is so much change going on in my life right now. And sometimes I wonder how I'll ever make it through. By either trying to make friends here at school, or realizing I may have to let go of some I've held dear this past year. Making the choice between which is more important, friendship or being right with God in thoughts. Do you ever wonder sometimes why God puts people in our path? Why they seem to be the most frustrating people, but you end up learning the most from them? I sometimes wish I could learn lessons without them, like maybe life would be easier learned through an ongoing movie reel playing all the bad decisions I shouldn't make.

And then, it's not just with friends, but with my own life. So many decisions for the future just rolling over in my head. Do I go ahead and actually take that step of publishing a book? Or am I too scared to take that step because I'm comfortable with life where it is? Or is it just that I'm afraid of the long term impact it will have on my life? But how do you accomplish anything without first taking that leap of faith that it's all going to be alright in the end? How can you be scared of EVERYTHING if you want to accomplish anything?

Then there's God. Everyone tells me my relationship with him is amazing, and that they see it in my every day life. I will give you all this; my relationship with God is genuine. I will not give him up for anything. I was thinking today about what I would do for God because I was listening to a song by Third Day talking about how we've basically sold out, saying that we will do everything for God but we don't end up doing anything. And I was wondering, is it possible to say and truly mean that you will do ANYTHING for God, but not do everything? Or is it the other way around, that you will do EVERYTHING for God, but not necessarily anything? What is the difference between the words Everything and Anything? Everything is all things possible at once. Anything is one thing all the time. 

Anyway, my point to that is that I'm trying to keep up with this whole relationship with God. I'm straying slightly from my goal, from him, and it's turning my whole life upside down. I'm trying to start things over, but I'm not really sure how. So this is me trying to straighten things out with God. Maybe blogging will keep my mind straight and everything else in line and arranged so that I can neatly process all that I'm going through.