Changed For Good

Ok I know I just started out with a line from a song from Wicked, I thought it was fitting, but that's not actually what this is about.

I was talking to my mom the other day about how every decision we make changes us. And even every decision that others make adversly affects who we are completely. Major things like if I had been born first, if we had moved to San Diego when I was 4, if we hadn't left FUMCHUB, if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt. Life would be DRASTICALLY and completely different, no one can argue that. But even if I had just lived in the house next door to mine. If I hadn't worn that plain blue sweatshirt every day in eighth grade. If I never decided to pick up a pen and try writing a poem. If I had no emotion to let out. If I hadn't decided to cut my hair short the first time. If I had said a kinder word to Shayla in eighth grade. If I had never told that one boy I liked him. If I had never made some of those crazy split second decisions. If I had chosen the other option. What would my life be like today? Granted, it'd be different. I can't tell you whether it'd be better, or worse or somewhere in between, but I know that I would not be the person I am today.

I would not have a strong faith. I may not even truly know that God exists. I may not have the best friend I have today. I may not have endured a love and a need for writing. I may not even be an English major, although anyone who knows me now could never see anything differently. But what if I had known different people? What if you weren't the one supporting me through all these years?

I always kinda gawked at those who chalked everything up to the saying "Everything happens for a reason", but I think it's finally starting to mean something to me. If I had been at the bonfire tonight, if I wasn't taking a fencing class with my mom, if my computer hadn't crashed, I would have never spent that time with my parents. I would have never refound this music when I truly needed to hear it. I wouldn't have the time to sit here and write. God works in amazing ways. And the fact that every single one of my decisions, even the split second either option is good decisions, change your life drastically. It makes me wonder what looking back in ten years is going to do. Will I regret the decision I made tonight with staying home? Or will I remember and enjoy it that much more?

If had not made the decision to stay home, would I know truly that someone cared enough to notice I was gone? I guess that's what made me think about this again. He wanted to know what was going on, and was glad it wasn't anything worse. I wondered how many nights I would have gotten upest that he didn't think that was enough to upset over, but tonight I was able to look at every decision we have in life. You have to make A choice, that part is inevitable. But the choice we DO make, makes all the difference.

Thanks Matt for caring. I don't think you have any idea what you ever could have done for the peace God has put in me, in asking one simple question. Thank you for knowing I was not there. Even though I doubt you'll read this, I have to say thank you.

That's all.