Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Is it possible?

Is it possible to hate someone you're supposed to love? What does the word hate even truly mean? Is it such a disgust that you can't stand the sight of the person? That their smile and their eyes burn like fire in your heart. That when you see them, hear them or just simply hear their name you want to scream out in a furious passion against why they were ever put in your life. That when they give you fake hellos and sensitivity you just want to call them out and call them so many names I can't list here. What creates this hate? Is it something they did to you? Or is it, in essence, purely something they've done to someone we love? How do we hate them, then, if the one we love, still loves them? Are we called to just deal with it? To love them unconditionally? I think I could handle it, and I don't think it would be hate, if it was for something done to me. But if you hurt someone I love, and you mess with their heart, it's hard to say I don't hate you. 

I don't hate many. Very few indeed. Maybe not even anyone in lasting time. But at this very moment, I do hate someone. I don't know how to forgive and let go. I don't think I can.

But I have to, don't I? You want me to don't you? But how? 

change is coming

So I've been inspired by my brother to actually use this blog as a blog instead of just a homework assignment as it began.

There is so much change going on in my life right now. And sometimes I wonder how I'll ever make it through. By either trying to make friends here at school, or realizing I may have to let go of some I've held dear this past year. Making the choice between which is more important, friendship or being right with God in thoughts. Do you ever wonder sometimes why God puts people in our path? Why they seem to be the most frustrating people, but you end up learning the most from them? I sometimes wish I could learn lessons without them, like maybe life would be easier learned through an ongoing movie reel playing all the bad decisions I shouldn't make.

And then, it's not just with friends, but with my own life. So many decisions for the future just rolling over in my head. Do I go ahead and actually take that step of publishing a book? Or am I too scared to take that step because I'm comfortable with life where it is? Or is it just that I'm afraid of the long term impact it will have on my life? But how do you accomplish anything without first taking that leap of faith that it's all going to be alright in the end? How can you be scared of EVERYTHING if you want to accomplish anything?

Then there's God. Everyone tells me my relationship with him is amazing, and that they see it in my every day life. I will give you all this; my relationship with God is genuine. I will not give him up for anything. I was thinking today about what I would do for God because I was listening to a song by Third Day talking about how we've basically sold out, saying that we will do everything for God but we don't end up doing anything. And I was wondering, is it possible to say and truly mean that you will do ANYTHING for God, but not do everything? Or is it the other way around, that you will do EVERYTHING for God, but not necessarily anything? What is the difference between the words Everything and Anything? Everything is all things possible at once. Anything is one thing all the time. 
Anyway, my point to that is that I'm trying to keep up with this whole relationship with God. I'm straying slightly from my goal, from him, and it's turning my whole life upside down. I'm trying to start things over, but I'm not really sure how. So this is me trying to straighten things out with God. Maybe blogging will keep my mind straight and everything else in line and arranged so that I can neatly process all that I'm going through.