Monday, March 31, 2008

Double Life

So my mind is basically in shambles right now because I feel like there's this double life I'm living. Like on one hand, I really have a ton of friends and I love it and we all give each other hugs and life is grand. Then there's the other side which just really wants to be alone, doesn't really feel like I have many friends and it's sadly depressing.

I'll give an example. There's this guy, and he gives me hugs and will put his hand on my shoulder while we talk, etc. That's just the way he is, and I love it. There's one side of me that really wants it and loves the hugs and the small things and I just wish he'd hold me in his hugs forever, but then there's the other part of me that's yelling at him (inside my head of course) to back off and just push him away because I'm afraid of being friends with a guy. I don't know how I can want both at the same time. 

Is this normal? Or is this just me being ridiculous and having no idea who I am?

Friday, March 28, 2008

I hate debates

So basically I'm completely sick of the whole home schooling, public schooling debate. It's so stupid because the arguments from both sides come as "you just don't know; if you had been brought up in [insert type of schooling here] then you would see it so much differently, you would see it my way." I will say, I am guilty of this myself but it frustrates me because even when I try to defend home schooling and say that it is great and then they get upset because "I just don't get it." But here's my thing, if you're not even going to let me say anything without bashing me for it, can we just give it up please? because if I say it's great you tell me why I can't say that, and if I tell you it's terrible you tell me why I can't say that either, so if I lie somewhere in between you tell me I just don't get it. And I'd rather just end the whole conversation agreeing to disagree because even home schoolers just don't get it sometimes?? It's not just us stupid public schoolers okay? Please see that.

I know that I have friends from both and hopefully this whole debate will not separate us. I love them all. =)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Waiting gets harder each day

My brother got married March 8th. My friend got engaged March 18th. And my RA got engaged March 22nd. So where's my ring?...or more appropriately, where's my man?

It's funny how God puts these situations in our lives, or maybe it's Satan tempting us and God just helping us through it. But do you ever notice how when you finally say you're giving something up to God, whole-heartedly, no questions asked, it seems to just fall right back into your lap??

I had decided, around Christmas time, I was just going to give up this whole looking for a guy thing and be content with who I am, focusing on my studies, upcoming surgery and brother's wedding. Yet with all the wedding plans rolling around, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding someday and how I just feel like I should have found the guy by now. And then because of that way of thinking, I look at every guy differently, which is a bummer because I really want to just be friends with a lot of guys, but with where my mind is right now, it's really REALLY hard. Second, let me preface this with saying I absolutely loved being in my brother's wedding and being a part of that and that they're married now, but...I just wish it was me. I wish I wasn't just the sister of the groom or a bridesmaid. I mean I wouldn't necessarily want to be married to any guy I know right now considering in my entire life there are only two guys I know that I could even possibly see myself marrying...maybe that's a lot. 

I have this saying that I really only have to be attractive to one man, my future spouse, but it is really nice to be told your beautiful or pretty, and it's hard. I just want a guy that I can hang out with, talk with, hold hands with, watch movies with, smile with, laugh with. All of my past relationships have been either really hard and complicated, or I was in simply out of what I felt was obligation...I really just want to be in a relationship that I can feel at ease in, not more stressed out, I want to have fun, not be worried every moment. And maybe that's why God hasn't brought someone around yet, but it seems he's not making it very easy to be content with myself either, with watching Sarah and Becca both get engaged over Spring Break. They are so happy, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time I'm completely and utterly jealous.

Maybe this is what shows that I'm not ready for it, but I don't know how to get there. I want to be married young, and maybe that's just my plan and not God's but we'll see. I guess I fit that stereotypical Christian college girl who just wants to go to school to get married, which is not completely true because I'm here for school definitely, but every day I just find myself wishing.

The worst part is that one of the two guys I've met that I could see myself possibly marrying (not that I will, but maybe a guy like either of them) goes to my school and the other one may come here next year. 

So I had let it go at Christmas and I didn't even have a crush on any boy. Then I got back to school and met a boy and have had two crushes (including that boy) since. Neither of which will ever become anything.

I just wish I knew how to let it all go.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

one week..and counting...

so in one week, so much will be different.
In one week...
My brother will be married.
I will have a sister.

That's enough change for me. Life in the next week is going to be insane. APU v Biola is Monday. Academic Advising is Monday. I have a paper due Tuesday. I get a midterm back Tuesday. I have a presentation Tuesday. Then I have a nice looong drive home. Then the craziness of the wedding begins. Thursday is the bachelorette party. Friday is the rehearsal and dinner. Saturday...THE WEDDING! is different. I'll have a sister, and my brother will be married. 

I want to say that I'm losing my brother in a way. That I won't be able to have those 2AM conversations that I used to cherish through high school, just sitting on the stairs talking about the hard stuff. He's been one of the biggest role models in my life, and now I feel like I'm losing him to Blythe, but this is just how life works right? But I guess if you look at it the other way, I'm actually gaining a role model. I love Blythe and I would ask for no better girl for Josh. There is no better girl for him or our family. I know she's not stealing him away, and I know that I will see them again. Plus, didn't I leave behind those 2AM conversations when I left for school? Isn't it me then that first let go? I don't know why this is going to be so hard. It will be just the same as it has been for the past two years of them dating, except that she will actually live with him in the apartment.

I think I just don't like change. But it's not like I can actually stop change. So here comes the bride. One week.