For the past 18 years, since I was 4, today (or at least around this week or so) has been a momentous occasion. Summer was over, and school was finally here. The first day of school, pictures and all, was something I always looked forward too. I loved back to school shopping and seeing my friends every day and learning. I really do love learning. But also, it was just what I was supposed to do. Every September I'd go back to school. I really can't remember not going to school. Every event in my life has been dictated by the school calendar. And now, I find myself on the first day of school, with no classes to attend, no pictures to take, no new outfit to put on. No supplies to buy, no friends to see, just a part time job to go to just like I have all summer and year long. Today is not a momentous occasion, nor do I have a title to put on it. For 18 years, my routine has not wavered. In September I begin school, and in May/June I start summer vacation and the cycle repeats itself. Now I'm not really sure what to do. The cycle has just abruptly ended. Not to say, of course, that I wasn't expecting the end, but it still just came and tomorrow life will continue on and there will be no more record of the first day of school. This is a strange year for me. Because I always thought this day would never come.
I've always wanted to be a teacher and so I thought that after I graduate undergrad, I would immediately move on to grad school and today would be my first day of grad school. And then after I completed that, then I would move on to actually being a teacher, and for the rest of my life I would always have a first day of school. But now I find myself in a limbo, in which most people find themselves at one point, but most don't dwell in. It is hard for me to accept that school is over for now, that I'm taking a break. I have this urge to go sign up for community college classes simply to take something. To be challenged, to read a book I wouldn't have bothered with otherwise, to research, to write an essay, to learn something new. But then I think about taking classes at a CC and I realize it's pointless. There is nothing for me to work towards at a CC; there is no reason or lofty goal ahead of me.
Maybe that's what scares me the most. Yes, I sort of have a plan of what I'm going to do in the future, but it is still unclear to me. The fact that I have no set goal, no timeline, not a set plan, scares me. It has always been the plan to graduate, 8th grade, high school, college, but now that I've done all of that graduating, I feel like I need something else to graduate from. So I've finding myself stuck in wanting to be a student again. To go back and do it all over again, but I also know that I need this break. My sanity thanks me every day for this break. And though it may be heartbreaking today to watch my friends return to school and see all of the first day of school pictures on facebook, I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. Change is inevitable, it all depends on how you proceed through it. So here's to a momentous day of it's own. A new chapter in my life. My first "first-day-of-real-life" instead of school. Maybe I should dress up and take pictures too. ;)