Short, Sweet and to the Point

I have the best friends I could ever ask for in the entire world. I hope they know just how much they mean to me. 

That's all. =)

Wishing

I wish sometimes...for a lot of things actually but here's a few...

I wish...

-that I could read a guy's mind to figure out what he's really saying without the false precept of him just trying to be nice. 

-that one of these days, someone would actually ask what's wrong and care about the answer.

-that life wouldn't repeat itself.

-that he could be a true brother, and not just another guy.

-that life would go back to being simple.

-that happiness, not joy (because joy lasts much longer...), would last for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

-that someone would see right through me, so I wouldn't have to keep up this game.

-that everyone would STOP telling me I'll find a guy...I get it, you're not the one for me, someone else is. 

-that every once in a while I could just say what I mean to those who truly want to know.

-that every once in a while I could say the things I'm thinking without the thought of how it will affect the other person (never gonna happen).

-that the words "I love you" meant more in today's society so it wouldn't seem I just throw them around like every day words, but those I love would truly know how much.

-that words would always be held up by actions, not that actions have to be held together by words.

Theme Song

So, I know I've posted a few songs on here, but this one, at least for the moment, is my theme song for my life. I love the way it says things and how it talks about who I am. It's definitely the way I'm living right now, and hey I'll be twenty in 3 months! (you'll understand when you read the lyrics...) Soo here's my theme song! =) 

Free to Be Me by Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age,

I'm still looking for a dream

A war's already waged 

for my destiny

But you've already won the battle

and you've got great plans for me

Though I can't always see

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

and on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl

I thought I had it figured out

See my life will turn out right

And I'll make it here somehow

But things don't always come that easy

and sometimes I would doubt

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

And on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Sometimes I believe

that I can do anything

Yet other times I think

I've got nothing good to bring

But You look at my heart and tell me

That I've got all You seek

and it's easy to believe even though

I've got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

and on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you.

Repeat

Have you ever noticed how life just seems to repeat itself? Like obviously not completely the same, not with the same people, but just the same situations.

In 2002, I questioned everything. I had no idea who I was, where I was going, what I wanted in life. Then I found God. In 2003, I was a new Christian, I was on top of the world and one of my best girl friends was dating one of my best guy friends. Life couldn't get better. Then things turned sour, the world started changing. I got a reality check and didn't deal with it well. I made the worst mistake of my entire life, though it's been one of the best experiences of keeping my faith. I then dealt with for the next year or so finding myself and trying to hold on to God. The next two years I got myself into some trouble and tried finding my way back to God. 

Then I had one year away from home, at school, going through the same things as I had in 2002. I questioned everything. I wasn't sure where God was taking me, and what I wanted in life had changed. Then in Summer 2008, I found God again. It's like being a new Christian again, being on top of the world, and my very best girl friend and my best guy friend are...well....close to dating. Life couldn't be any better....and that's where life is at the moment.

So what happens next? Does life again turn sour? Will the world start changing? How will I react? Will I make better choices?? Will I know more fully the grace of God? 

I'm scared for what the next few years hold for me, and for now all I can do is trust God.

That's all.

Wishes

Do you ever find yourself wishing for something different? Wishing the way things were was different? 

But then I wonder, does that really matter? If it were different, if you lived in a "perfect" world that always revolved around you, wouldn't that get boring sometimes? And you may say that your perfect world doesn't always revolve around you, but really? EVERYONE thinks about themselves before others, it's just the way this country works, the way this world works. Sin has taken over. But then I wonder, what IF we lived in a perfect world, where people cared about each other, respected each other. Sometimes I wonder if we'd laugh at all, smile at all, but is our world truly that cruel? That the only way we'd be happy is at someone else's expense?

I tend to try to have faith in humanity, but I've come to realize I can't. The one and only thing that I can put my faith in is Christ and those that live like him. You may see otherwise, and I won't argue, for now. But those that hold true joy, those that can live in happiness, in a small glimpse of that perfect world, are those that call Christ their father, their savior and their master. 

Everyone else is just fakin' it.

That's all.

Response to Nightmare?

If you want to understand this post in the least bit, I suggest you go back and read my post "Nightmare?" from May.

So I told you all that I was giving up that dream of mine, and it was true. I did. And I haven't looked back since. He is the greatest man I've known. He is the standard I will hold guys to, but he is not the one for me. And I finally know that and can say that with a smile on my face. Not a fake one, but one of satisfaction. One of hope. And one of knowing that he has made a difference in my life for the better. I only wish I could have been the same. Unfortunately I doubt that because he knew me at the worst of my times. 

I'm done saying maybe. I'm done wondering. I'm done being in charge of my own future. I've learned to love surprises. I've learned to be amazed. I can't wait to see where God takes my future, who He puts in my path.

I wish all the best to you, dear sir. I know you will succeed in whichever way you choose. I know the girl you end up with will be the luckiest girl alive, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. I may never see you again sir, though we will be in closer vicinity than we have been for the past year. It's okay. You were put in my life for a reason; you have become a chapter in my life. I'm moved on, and I only wish I will see you someday in life with a smile on your face, as always.

When no one could, you pushed me towards Christ without even knowing it. Thank you for being faithful to the God who's saved us all. To Him be the glory for our lives. 

That's all.

Apology

Well I guess I just wanted to apologize to anyone who may have been offended, hurt or whatever by anything I've said, especially if you figured out who some of the people the posts are about. They were never intended to hurt, offend or alienate anyone. That's all. 

poem

hmm so I'm thinking maybe I should just delete the post about giving up writing. new poem. doesn't really have a title, yet, but it kinda goes along with the last post i guess. enjoy?

I find myself falling for him

a terrible mistake

I can't assume he'll fall for me

or flirt for hoping's sake

I finally got over this

I was finally content

then he stepped into my life

and now I'm all but spent

He doesn't even know it

or even slightly suspect

but one day when I run away

I'm sure he'll always connect

what caused me to feel this way

what caused me to smile

while really I can't do this

I won't let my heart defile

                                      his

in a sad attempt to hold him

in a sad attempt to be his smile

I won't hurt his precious heart

I won't, I can't be vile.

Something to Think About

He's got a lot of girls around. They all fight for his attention. They want to be at his side, to hold his hand. They all claim he's asked them out, that he's in love with them.

One of these days, I'll be that girl he chooses, I'll be the one for whom he pushes through the crowd. I'll be the reason for his smile and the only one who's caught his attention.

Until that day, though, I'll be here, sitting on your couch, enjoying the show. I'll stand by and be the friend, the one friend every guy wants in the midst of the chaos of crushes, the one girl that will stand by and laugh with you at that chaos, while secretly wishing you knew.

But you'll never know. Not until you're that one guy. The one who fights for my attention and wants to be at my side, to hold my hand. The one who asks me out and falls in love with me.

Yes, it is late.

So here's some things I've learned about myself lately.

-Staying up late is creative time, but also emotional time. I get high strung and go crazy, imagining worst case scenarios and best case scenarios, nothing in between.

-I'll know within 3 months if a guy is the one for me, and either way, I'll try to sabotage whatever it is I may have with him because I'm scared.

-I freak out because I don't know how to have a relationship that works.

-I want to travel, but more than anything I really want to stay close to home.

-As much as I'm content being single right now, I know that God will someday give me the desires of my heart by blessing me with a husband and a family, whether that is soon or sometime much later.

-I know that words have a greater impact on my life than anyone else realizes.

-I know that I can no longer live behind and hide behind letters.

-I can't let my emotions, my empathy towards others, completely take over my life. For petty things, I need to let go of their disappointments, their hurts, especially when I continue to hold on to them long after they do.

-I am happy with who I am, but I'm afraid to miss out on what God has planned because I wasn't willing enough to take action.

-I'm happy that He's given me one of the biggest dreams of my heart, my book.

Life is good. God is better. There is nothing else to say, but everything else to learn. =)

Giving Up Writing

So this may come as a shock to most, or all of you, the whole five of you that may read this, but I've basically decided to give up writing.

Well not ALL writing, just most creative writing. I've realized lately that my writing comes from the emotions within me, and though while my writing may be good, those emotions are not. They hurt, they stun, they take away all joy and happiness I have in the daytime. Sometimes I feel like a vampire, or a werewolf maybe (yes yes this is a twilight reference...), but really. I'm a completely different person during the day than I am at night. During the day, I used to think it was all an act and that with nighttime came who I truly am, but I have now realized that I've had it backwards. During the day, I am the happy, joyous, gracious, affectionate, compassionate person I wish to be, but during the night I become depressed, alone, anxious, worried, needy, among other things. I don't like that person and I hate that I feel the need to stay up late to write because of when my creativity peaks. My creativity peaks when my emotions are extreme. That's at night. 

So if I give up staying up late, staying up for those emotions to sink in, then I also in essence am giving up writing. Now if I can figure out a way to write well without those extreme emotions and late nights, then well God truly has gifted me with a talent well worth using. I know that God has something planned for my writing, and maybe it truly was just to get me through the hardest years of my life. And maybe if I have tough years, or even just tough days, that writing will always be there to help me, but for now...

I'm happy, I'm content. I love where I am. And I love where God's taking me. You'll see the difference in my emotions if you check the times of my posts in my blog; they are all around midnight or later if they are upset, feeling alone, feeling inadequate, etc. But for the happy moments they are usually slightly earlier, etc. 

I know God has something better planned for my life, and if that means giving up poetry and short stories, I'm okay with that. 

This may come as a surprise with my book just being published. With taking a creative writing: poetry class next semester, with being an english major in general, but sometimes life is full of surprises. It surprised me too. I just thought of it while talking to my sister-in-law today.

Some things are better said aloud, talked out with a sister, or left unsaid. Some things are better never written down, better to be stood up for, not hidden behind in a letter. Therefore, I am giving up writing until further notice.

Alone

I believe I've blogged about this before, but I don't know if I've ever really captured the essence of what I'm trying to say. And maybe this isn't really going to help clear anything up, but here we go.

I'm stuck in the middle

somewhere in between

everything I've done 

in the past

and you in front of me

something somewhere

some went wrong

a hopeless thought

in a cloud so long

it drifts away 

holding your name

dragging along

my heart.

Okay so that's not really where I was going, but hey I got a poem out of it. Anyway what I was trying to say was this.

I'm stuck in the middle somewhere. I'm not really sure in between what. Between home and school? One church and another? And even yet another? Between my friends here and my friends there? Between my heart here and my heart overseas? Between faith hope and love and the humanity of my heart? Between desire and deceit? Between the overcoming selfishness, indulgences of my flesh, and the overwhelming spirit, God's peace in every moment? 

Where ever it is that I'm in between, it's most definitely the sand that holds my drifting thoughts and the rock that holds my life together. Maybe I should explain this in more concrete words. I don't want to talk to my friends because I know they'll ask about my trip, but I can't simply tell them about my trip, so I ignore them, afraid of their questions. But I want to talk to my friends because I don't know what else to do. I go through each day with work and church and work and weekends and find myself wondering where the days went. I can go days without talking to any friends because I don't make the effort to talk to them. I guess I'm waiting for them to talk to me, but even then I'm discouraged and don't have the energy. That's a horrible thing to say about friends. I guess I'm learning that friendship can be some sort of a disappoint if you try too hard to make it work. I've tried too hard and too long to make certain friendships work that I feel like giving up on all of them. Does that even make sense?

Obviously there are those I can never let go of, but even that number is surprisingly few. I want people to know me, but I don't want to just always offer the information. I want them to ask questions. But then, didn't I just say I didn't want their questions? Maybe I'm not really coming to a conclusion at all, I just feel as if I'm stuck in between where I was, who I was, and where God's taking me, who He wants me to be. But then I feel as if I'm not doing anything to move that forward, which puts me more in a down mood, especially spending all this time alone. How do I just up and become that godly woman God wants me to be? I know it takes time, but how do I even start? I believe THAT has been my question since 7th grade, the one question that supplied my doubt of God's truth, the one question that kept me looking for more, something, anything. Now at least I know for certain of God's truth, but I do believe this question is still leading me to look for more.

That's all.

Peace

So do you ever feel such attachment to something that you don't even realize it until you've given it away? 

I have no regrets of giving the necklace away tonight. She needs God's peace tonight more than I do, but at the same time I bought it for myself so that I would be reminded of God's peace, and now I'm sad that I no longer have it. Something in me just had the urge to be selfless and give it away, but something else ached in me and ate at me telling me it didn't matter that much; she wouldn't even notice otherwise.

I hate the double life. I hate the twisted pain. I love her. And I love that I got to share His overwhelming peace with her, and I know that necklace is around a beautiful and worthy neck, but that small part of me it's overwhelmingly sad, without a slight of peace. Ironic isn't it? As if that necklace actually held His peace in my heart, though I've only owned it for about two weeks. 

But I know that He is holding her tonight in His loving arms and wrapping her in His flood of peace. And that's enough to be okay with letting go of something so trivial, something on this earth.