My brother got married March 8th. My friend got engaged March 18th. And my RA got engaged March 22nd. So where's my ring?...or more appropriately, where's my man?
It's funny how God puts these situations in our lives, or maybe it's Satan tempting us and God just helping us through it. But do you ever notice how when you finally say you're giving something up to God, whole-heartedly, no questions asked, it seems to just fall right back into your lap??
I had decided, around Christmas time, I was just going to give up this whole looking for a guy thing and be content with who I am, focusing on my studies, upcoming surgery and brother's wedding. Yet with all the wedding plans rolling around, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding someday and how I just feel like I should have found the guy by now. And then because of that way of thinking, I look at every guy differently, which is a bummer because I really want to just be friends with a lot of guys, but with where my mind is right now, it's really REALLY hard. Second, let me preface this with saying I absolutely loved being in my brother's wedding and being a part of that and that they're married now, but...I just wish it was me. I wish I wasn't just the sister of the groom or a bridesmaid. I mean I wouldn't necessarily want to be married to any guy I know right now considering in my entire life there are only two guys I know that I could even possibly see myself marrying...maybe that's a lot.
I have this saying that I really only have to be attractive to one man, my future spouse, but it is really nice to be told your beautiful or pretty, and it's hard. I just want a guy that I can hang out with, talk with, hold hands with, watch movies with, smile with, laugh with. All of my past relationships have been either really hard and complicated, or I was in simply out of what I felt was obligation...I really just want to be in a relationship that I can feel at ease in, not more stressed out, I want to have fun, not be worried every moment. And maybe that's why God hasn't brought someone around yet, but it seems he's not making it very easy to be content with myself either, with watching Sarah and Becca both get engaged over Spring Break. They are so happy, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time I'm completely and utterly jealous.
Maybe this is what shows that I'm not ready for it, but I don't know how to get there. I want to be married young, and maybe that's just my plan and not God's but we'll see. I guess I fit that stereotypical Christian college girl who just wants to go to school to get married, which is not completely true because I'm here for school definitely, but every day I just find myself wishing.
The worst part is that one of the two guys I've met that I could see myself possibly marrying (not that I will, but maybe a guy like either of them) goes to my school and the other one may come here next year.
So I had let it go at Christmas and I didn't even have a crush on any boy. Then I got back to school and met a boy and have had two crushes (including that boy) since. Neither of which will ever become anything.
I just wish I knew how to let it all go.
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