I wanted to say goodbye didn't I?? I wanted to make it end. I wanted to let go and get out from under this grip he has on my heart. But why did I have to see him in person to do it? Why did I have to make the trip and hand him the letter? Why did he have to be happy about giving me a hug?? If I could take it all back now, I don't know what I'd do. I had finally gotten down to that 1% of hope, so much so that I would make a last effort by seeing him, make that last effort by giving him the letter myself. But damn it boy, why'd you have to give me a hug?
I know I know, it's just a hug, but you know how much I love your hugs. That brought me back to at least 75% and now I feel like I was the biggest idiot in the world saying goodbye and turning away. Damn it, if I could do it all over again, maybe I would have run back to you and given you a better hug, maybe I would have stolen the letter back and not let you read it.
But what's done is done. There is no moving back, but only moving forward. So here's my plea to you, if you ever get around to reading this, here's what I should have said in that letter.
Maybe someday I would love to have you back in my life, but right now you just can't be. I have to learn to be myself out on my own without a crutch to fall back on my old life. I know you'll always be there for me and that's what scares me most because I really need everyone to fail me so that I more completely rely on God for everything. If someday, even soon, if you want to really know me, the complete me, the real me, the me I found in college, maybe we can start this friendship over.
I love you, and as I said in the letter, that won't change.
but damn it, why is it always so hard to say goodbye?
No comments:
Post a Comment