Lies

So I lied when I told you I didn't care. When I said it really didn't matter, and I knew and was okay with the fact that God has something bigger planned for me in the next year. I lied when I said it didn't matter that I wasn't a part of anything, God would bring me something else.

I know I should just trust God, that's the answer I've been instilled with since birth basically. Trust God because all bad things, all sad things, all the things that hurt, just means I wasn't trusting God enough to let go of it when I should have right? But then I'm putting the blame on myself for trying and if I had that attitude, should I really try anything? 

I wanted Alpha, yes very much so. Yes it sucks that I didn't get it. Yes I know God has something else planned for next year, but that doesn't mean anything. In high school, I wasn't the SUPER involved type, but I liked to be involved with stuff with friends, like homecoming floats, or class stuff. And now, so many of my friends, or basically all of my friends applied for Alpha and got it, but I didn't. And Alpha seems to be this such tight knit group that I feel like because I'm not a part of it with them, they'll just tell me, you don't understand it's an alpha thing, and I'll lose the few friends I have here just because I'm not in alpha. 

I know why I didn't get Alpha, and the issue isn't so much alpha itself, but more or less just not being a part of something. I know no one on campus because I haven't involved myself in anything, and the few things I've tried to be involved in, don't want me. So where am I supposed to go from here?? What do I do? What can I do? Who can I meet?? 

I guess I'm just fed up about hearing all about alpha, but with who my friends are, I know I'm going to be hearing about it for the next...entire year probably. I guess I just have to deal with it and be happy and excited for them. That's one of my strengths anyway right, empathy?? 

And if my friends read this, I am happy for you, I promise. I'm so excited to see how God uses you in the lives of your freshman. I'm just bummed because I have no idea how God is going to use me at all. oh well.

Double Life

So my mind is basically in shambles right now because I feel like there's this double life I'm living. Like on one hand, I really have a ton of friends and I love it and we all give each other hugs and life is grand. Then there's the other side which just really wants to be alone, doesn't really feel like I have many friends and it's sadly depressing.

I'll give an example. There's this guy, and he gives me hugs and will put his hand on my shoulder while we talk, etc. That's just the way he is, and I love it. There's one side of me that really wants it and loves the hugs and the small things and I just wish he'd hold me in his hugs forever, but then there's the other part of me that's yelling at him (inside my head of course) to back off and just push him away because I'm afraid of being friends with a guy. I don't know how I can want both at the same time. 

Is this normal? Or is this just me being ridiculous and having no idea who I am?

I hate debates

So basically I'm completely sick of the whole home schooling, public schooling debate. It's so stupid because the arguments from both sides come as "you just don't know; if you had been brought up in [insert type of schooling here] then you would see it so much differently, you would see it my way." I will say, I am guilty of this myself but it frustrates me because even when I try to defend home schooling and say that it is great and then they get upset because "I just don't get it." But here's my thing, if you're not even going to let me say anything without bashing me for it, can we just give it up please? because if I say it's great you tell me why I can't say that, and if I tell you it's terrible you tell me why I can't say that either, so if I lie somewhere in between you tell me I just don't get it. And I'd rather just end the whole conversation agreeing to disagree because even home schoolers just don't get it sometimes?? It's not just us stupid public schoolers okay? Please see that.

I know that I have friends from both and hopefully this whole debate will not separate us. I love them all. =)

Waiting gets harder each day

My brother got married March 8th. My friend got engaged March 18th. And my RA got engaged March 22nd. So where's my ring?...or more appropriately, where's my man?

It's funny how God puts these situations in our lives, or maybe it's Satan tempting us and God just helping us through it. But do you ever notice how when you finally say you're giving something up to God, whole-heartedly, no questions asked, it seems to just fall right back into your lap??

I had decided, around Christmas time, I was just going to give up this whole looking for a guy thing and be content with who I am, focusing on my studies, upcoming surgery and brother's wedding. Yet with all the wedding plans rolling around, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding someday and how I just feel like I should have found the guy by now. And then because of that way of thinking, I look at every guy differently, which is a bummer because I really want to just be friends with a lot of guys, but with where my mind is right now, it's really REALLY hard. Second, let me preface this with saying I absolutely loved being in my brother's wedding and being a part of that and that they're married now, but...I just wish it was me. I wish I wasn't just the sister of the groom or a bridesmaid. I mean I wouldn't necessarily want to be married to any guy I know right now considering in my entire life there are only two guys I know that I could even possibly see myself marrying...maybe that's a lot. 

I have this saying that I really only have to be attractive to one man, my future spouse, but it is really nice to be told your beautiful or pretty, and it's hard. I just want a guy that I can hang out with, talk with, hold hands with, watch movies with, smile with, laugh with. All of my past relationships have been either really hard and complicated, or I was in simply out of what I felt was obligation...I really just want to be in a relationship that I can feel at ease in, not more stressed out, I want to have fun, not be worried every moment. And maybe that's why God hasn't brought someone around yet, but it seems he's not making it very easy to be content with myself either, with watching Sarah and Becca both get engaged over Spring Break. They are so happy, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time I'm completely and utterly jealous.

Maybe this is what shows that I'm not ready for it, but I don't know how to get there. I want to be married young, and maybe that's just my plan and not God's but we'll see. I guess I fit that stereotypical Christian college girl who just wants to go to school to get married, which is not completely true because I'm here for school definitely, but every day I just find myself wishing.

The worst part is that one of the two guys I've met that I could see myself possibly marrying (not that I will, but maybe a guy like either of them) goes to my school and the other one may come here next year. 

So I had let it go at Christmas and I didn't even have a crush on any boy. Then I got back to school and met a boy and have had two crushes (including that boy) since. Neither of which will ever become anything.

I just wish I knew how to let it all go.

one week..and counting...

so in one week, so much will be different.

In one week...

My brother will be married.

I will have a sister.

That's enough change for me. Life in the next week is going to be insane. APU v Biola is Monday. Academic Advising is Monday. I have a paper due Tuesday. I get a midterm back Tuesday. I have a presentation Tuesday. Then I have a nice looong drive home. Then the craziness of the wedding begins. Thursday is the bachelorette party. Friday is the rehearsal and dinner. Saturday...THE WEDDING! Sunday....life is different. I'll have a sister, and my brother will be married. 

I want to say that I'm losing my brother in a way. That I won't be able to have those 2AM conversations that I used to cherish through high school, just sitting on the stairs talking about the hard stuff. He's been one of the biggest role models in my life, and now I feel like I'm losing him to Blythe, but this is just how life works right? But I guess if you look at it the other way, I'm actually gaining a role model. I love Blythe and I would ask for no better girl for Josh. There is no better girl for him or our family. I know she's not stealing him away, and I know that I will see them again. Plus, didn't I leave behind those 2AM conversations when I left for school? Isn't it me then that first let go? I don't know why this is going to be so hard. It will be just the same as it has been for the past two years of them dating, except that she will actually live with him in the apartment.

I think I just don't like change. But it's not like I can actually stop change. So here comes the bride. One week.

Is it possible?

Is it possible to hate someone you're supposed to love? What does the word hate even truly mean? Is it such a disgust that you can't stand the sight of the person? That their smile and their eyes burn like fire in your heart. That when you see them, hear them or just simply hear their name you want to scream out in a furious passion against why they were ever put in your life. That when they give you fake hellos and sensitivity you just want to call them out and call them so many names I can't list here. What creates this hate? Is it something they did to you? Or is it, in essence, purely something they've done to someone we love? How do we hate them, then, if the one we love, still loves them? Are we called to just deal with it? To love them unconditionally? I think I could handle it, and I don't think it would be hate, if it was for something done to me. But if you hurt someone I love, and you mess with their heart, it's hard to say I don't hate you. 

I don't hate many. Very few indeed. Maybe not even anyone in lasting time. But at this very moment, I do hate someone. I don't know how to forgive and let go. I don't think I can.

But I have to, don't I? You want me to don't you? But how? 

change is coming

So I've been inspired by my brother to actually use this blog as a blog instead of just a homework assignment as it began.

There is so much change going on in my life right now. And sometimes I wonder how I'll ever make it through. By either trying to make friends here at school, or realizing I may have to let go of some I've held dear this past year. Making the choice between which is more important, friendship or being right with God in thoughts. Do you ever wonder sometimes why God puts people in our path? Why they seem to be the most frustrating people, but you end up learning the most from them? I sometimes wish I could learn lessons without them, like maybe life would be easier learned through an ongoing movie reel playing all the bad decisions I shouldn't make.

And then, it's not just with friends, but with my own life. So many decisions for the future just rolling over in my head. Do I go ahead and actually take that step of publishing a book? Or am I too scared to take that step because I'm comfortable with life where it is? Or is it just that I'm afraid of the long term impact it will have on my life? But how do you accomplish anything without first taking that leap of faith that it's all going to be alright in the end? How can you be scared of EVERYTHING if you want to accomplish anything?

Then there's God. Everyone tells me my relationship with him is amazing, and that they see it in my every day life. I will give you all this; my relationship with God is genuine. I will not give him up for anything. I was thinking today about what I would do for God because I was listening to a song by Third Day talking about how we've basically sold out, saying that we will do everything for God but we don't end up doing anything. And I was wondering, is it possible to say and truly mean that you will do ANYTHING for God, but not do everything? Or is it the other way around, that you will do EVERYTHING for God, but not necessarily anything? What is the difference between the words Everything and Anything? Everything is all things possible at once. Anything is one thing all the time. 

Anyway, my point to that is that I'm trying to keep up with this whole relationship with God. I'm straying slightly from my goal, from him, and it's turning my whole life upside down. I'm trying to start things over, but I'm not really sure how. So this is me trying to straighten things out with God. Maybe blogging will keep my mind straight and everything else in line and arranged so that I can neatly process all that I'm going through.