I know I should just trust God, that's the answer I've been instilled with since birth basically. Trust God because all bad things, all sad things, all the things that hurt, just means I wasn't trusting God enough to let go of it when I should have right? But then I'm putting the blame on myself for trying and if I had that attitude, should I really try anything?
I wanted Alpha, yes very much so. Yes it sucks that I didn't get it. Yes I know God has something else planned for next year, but that doesn't mean anything. In high school, I wasn't the SUPER involved type, but I liked to be involved with stuff with friends, like homecoming floats, or class stuff. And now, so many of my friends, or basically all of my friends applied for Alpha and got it, but I didn't. And Alpha seems to be this such tight knit group that I feel like because I'm not a part of it with them, they'll just tell me, you don't understand it's an alpha thing, and I'll lose the few friends I have here just because I'm not in alpha.
I know why I didn't get Alpha, and the issue isn't so much alpha itself, but more or less just not being a part of something. I know no one on campus because I haven't involved myself in anything, and the few things I've tried to be involved in, don't want me. So where am I supposed to go from here?? What do I do? What can I do? Who can I meet??
I guess I'm just fed up about hearing all about alpha, but with who my friends are, I know I'm going to be hearing about it for the next...entire year probably. I guess I just have to deal with it and be happy and excited for them. That's one of my strengths anyway right, empathy??
And if my friends read this, I am happy for you, I promise. I'm so excited to see how God uses you in the lives of your freshman. I'm just bummed because I have no idea how God is going to use me at all. oh well.
2 comments:
So i saw your facebook status and decided to come and look at it. I was browsing through and saw alpha. Don't worry I feel the same way i didnt even apply for alpha. i feel like i should of because all my friends did. i know how close everybody in alpha gets to one another. and now i am worried that i will be left out of everything. i know that god has plans for me and i always wanted to lead a d group since the beginning of the year so i applied. god has something for you to do here at school and more importantly outside of school. we have each other, us non-alpha leader buddies. we can hang out and play cards.
<3 Melissa
shanshan i love you. i'm so sorry that you didn't get alpha, you would have been amazing. and i'm sorry if it seems like all i can talk about is alpha...i know you've heard it a million times but honestly, God has something SO much BIGGER planned for you, you just have to trust in Him and wait it out. It'll come :)
anyway i'll try be more sensitive when talking about alpha.
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