family again

Don't take advantage of the time you spend with your family. Enjoy every moment of it because in an instant it can all be taken away. You don't realize that the last time you said goodbye was really the last time. Realizing that we aren't invincible makes living life all the more sweeter because as long as you cherish the time you have with the ones you love, you won't regret it when they're gone.

Now thank goodness I have not lost my Pa (my mom's Dad). He is the funniest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever known, and I would miss his hugs and his smiles dearly. He had a heart attack the other night, but luckily, he is still alive. I have only lost one family member in my entire life, my great grandmother, who was getting up in her years when she passed of old age and some illness. That was maybe 4 years ago, but it was at least slightly expected. 

I don't know how to deal with grief. People who have been long time family friends, or even just a member of our church, have passed away and I've cried my heart out for them. I wonder how I would react if someone actually close to me died. I understand that as I get older, they also get older. The more days we live brings more chances for us to die, although that is a rather pessimistic way to look at it, it is also a realistic view. 

I love my Pa. I thank God that he is alright. I love my family. Lord please let me spend a few more years with them, to appreciate the time I have with them before they're gone, or I'm gone. 

jumbled rambles

Is it really a compliment when people tell me they're jealous I'm good at tetris? Can I reply with saying I'm jealous you're good at having a life? Obviously I have nothing better to do than play tetris. At least if it was some other game, like some game that actually took a lot of "skill" then it could be taken as some sort of compliment.

It's really sad, I was thinking, if you're life theme song, is a whole cd of breakup songs. If those are the songs you love and want to listen to everyday to give you a boost to get through life. Isn't that why though that breakup songs sell?

Is it really hard to just do something for yourself every once in a while? Is it too hard to say no just because you don't want to hurt their feelings when in reality they only keep asking because they don't want you to miss out and they care about you enough to keep asking, because they know you're stubborn? But what if you just really don't want to do it, you aren't in the mood or whatever, and you have to make up some sort of excuse. Is it worth it to say no if you have to make up an excuse, if you're not bold enough to tell them the whole reason, or is it okay and even one step forward instead of one step back because at least you're standing up for it and saying no, actually taking some time for yourself?

Does anything in movies, actually ever happen in real life? Hmm...I guess not, so why am I still dreaming for that fairytale?

Does anyone even actually read my blogs? Or do I just ramble to the world wide web? Could I post something outrageous and have no one actually know? Let's not try that though...

family

I love my family. They are just the most amazing people I could ever ask for in life. No matter how my day's been, good or bad, great or absolutely terrible, they are there at the end of the day. I can relax with them. I can be happy with them.  I can laugh with them. We think alike, for the most part, and it's so nice to just feel safe with them. 

Even with my brothers being away, I know that they will always listen. If something was really bothering me, I could run away to them. And both their significant others are always so sweet, really like sisters. 

I am blessed to have a family who is truly proud of me, who are truly proud of each other. I am blessed to have a grandfather who is completely stoked to work with his grandkids and will take every chance he gets to show that off. I am blessed to have a grandma and an aunt and a mom who will spend hours talking and enjoying each other's company just like they were teenagers again, because they are the best of friends. I am blessed to have a dad who will surprise mom and me with random gifts just because he likes to see us smile and have fun.

I am blessed to have a family who all love the Lord and will lead me in that way, who will be there when I'm struggling following God and will give me some direction and hold me up. I am so proud of my family when my friends see my family and tell me they wish they're family was just like mine. I am blessed to have a family who will take in all of those friends and treat them just as family. 

I love my family so incredibly much and I wouldn't trade them for anything. They are my refuge, my safe haven, my security and my happiness. In them, I found God. What more could I ask for?

DAMN IT!

Do you ever do or say something and then instantly when you turn away just want to take it all back? I guess that's how I feel tonight because I know that I can't take a goodbye back. I guess I could try, but really it won't work. I hate that I calm things down when I start typing them out. Tonight will be the first night in a really long time that I've cried myself to sleep.

I wanted to say goodbye didn't I?? I wanted to make it end. I wanted to let go and get out from under this grip he has on my heart. But why did I have to see him in person to do it? Why did I have to make the trip and hand him the letter? Why did he have to be happy about giving me a hug?? If I could take it all back now, I don't know what I'd do. I had finally gotten down to that 1% of hope, so much so that I would make a last effort by seeing him, make that last effort by giving him the letter myself. But damn it boy, why'd you have to give me a hug?

I know I know, it's just a hug, but you know how much I love your hugs. That brought me back to at least 75% and now I feel like I was the biggest idiot in the world saying goodbye and turning away. Damn it, if I could do it all over again, maybe I would have run back to you and given you a better hug, maybe I would have stolen the letter back and not let you read it.

But what's done is done. There is no moving back, but only moving forward. So here's my plea to you, if you ever get around to reading this, here's what I should have said in that letter. 

Maybe someday I would love to have you back in my life, but right now you just can't be. I have to learn to be myself out on my own without a crutch to fall back on my old life. I know you'll always be there for me and that's what scares me most because I really need everyone to fail me so that I more completely rely on God for everything. If someday, even soon, if you want to really know me, the complete me, the real me, the me I found in college, maybe we can start this friendship over. 

I love you, and as I said in the letter, that won't change.

but damn it, why is it always so hard to say goodbye?

Mr. Right

My newest poem. A follow up to the previous post. 

Mr. Right

I wrote you a speech tonight

one you'll never hear

one you'll never let me say

one I almost fear

you're the one I look to

when tears cloud o'er my eyes

you're the one I fear that I

may have to walk away from in surprise

telling you you're worth it

for some other gal

but for me tonight

you'll always be just my pal

it may not change the way you think

or what you think about me

but when I turn around, I'm walking out

and every day I'll be

waiting just around the corner

to hear you call after me

but when I hear your whisper

I'll know, it's always been just a dream.

Nightmare?

What happens when you come to that day where all you can think about is the fact that you have to give up a dream you've had for so long?

Even as I write this, I tend to run away. I write a sentence and then step back to really think about if I want to put this in words, or instead just continue to let it sit in the back of my mind. I get distracted by not wanting to think that it just may very well be time to simply give up this dream.

You may not know which dream I'm talking about, but as to the looks of it, it isn't writing. ;) So I'm sure most of you realize which dream I'm talking about.

I guess I've made too much of a situation that just isn't there. Maybe, I always say. Maybe I'll just wait. Maybe next year. Maybe something will happen. I spent a year of my life waiting, and maybe that's okay. I needed that year to just not deal with the hassle of boys. I needed that year desperately to clean up my act. So I'm not saying I wasted that year, because it was definitely well spent pining after a lot of other things rather than a guy, but deep inside, way back in my mind, he was still there, and I was still pining after him. 

Everyone says we deserve our chance, but what chance is that if he doesn't want it? What chance do I have to deserve if it's only a one-sided affection? He's the greatest man I've ever known, but for once in the past four years, I'm thinking, maybe he's just not who I should be pining after. 

You may respond saying, well maybe that's just because your heart's not completely set on God and so God wants you to pine after Him first. And I understand that. It's a valid argument, but it's wrong. The way I feel about this, is that maybe we're not supposed to get our dream man. He is my dream man, yes. And he will, for a very long while, be the standard I compare everyone else to, but that's why I have to let go.

Does he even know the emotions, the feelings, the passion that drive me to write this much about struggling after an answer? Yet every time I see him, I can't help but smile. Every time I hear his name, my heart races. My friends understand how much I like him, how much I admire him because they see the happiness, the laughter, the smiles, the giddiness that comes over me whenever I talk about him.

I thought with him coming to my school next year, all of it would change. That maybe we would have our chance. But the same conclusion keeps coming up in my mind, what if that chance just doesn't exist?

That's when my dream turns into a nightmare. But is it really a nightmare if God holds someone even better than my dream out there for me?

Graduation Cards

What do you write in a graduation card?

Should I just look back on all the cards I got last year and get ideas from that?

Or should it actually be something meaningful? Are they too good of friends for me to write anything sentimental and meaningful, or do they both already know that I'm such a writer that I won't just leave it at congratulations?

change is here

I've said I hate change, and well frankly, most of the time I do. But this, this change I'm learning to be okay with, I'm learning to enjoy.

I no longer have my cherished 2am conversations with my brother because they've CHANGED into lunchtime conversations at work.

I felt like I was losing him to Blythe, but really, he was only losing her to me. (That's what he gets for giving his little sister what she's wanted all her life...a sister.)

I felt as if I had to give up friendships to work out things with God, choosing one or the other, but instead, with His help, those friendships CHANGED into the most cherished ones I miss.

I've made some wonderful friends and learned to let go of others.

I've been scared about the future, and frankly, that hasn't changed. I'm still afraid of stepping out with my writing, but soon, soon enough, that will also change.

It all comes down to one thing. Trust. Trusting God that He has a plan. That He has a better plan. When I got that straight, change didn't look so bad. =)

understanding the Black Hole of my thoughts

Do you ever get caught in a black hole? Like how you're just not really sure what you're supposed to be thinking? Where everything in life is fantastic, but at the same time is the worst it could be? Is there ever that moment that you justify the bad stuff and celebrate the good stuff, just so you can make it to the end of the day? Do you ever feel what your purpose is in life, but at the same time question the entire thing? Do you ever feel like you are just two completely different human beings inhabiting the same body and fighting over who gets to breathe?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just slowed down and stopped? If you took a moment to look around, to take in the surroundings, to understand the circumstances, to see what's in front of you? What lies ahead scares me, but what lies behind is done and over. I can't change that, yet at the same time, I can't simply stand still. On each side I have a choice, whatever my wish, whatever my pleasure, it's my decision to make. All around are the voices, the opinions, the criticisms, the praises, the joy and laughter, the pain and tears, the screams and the whispers, but in the end it is ultimately my choice, my voice, my decision. 

Let me put this in simple terms. I don't want to go to Calvary. I feel like it's a burden. I feel completely weighed down. I want to go to Flipside, but that requires an hour and a half drive up and back each week. So where does that leave me, with the choice to go to my parent's church, Beachpoint. It's nice, it's great, there are some definitely wonderful people there, but it's just somewhere in between. I'm stuck in between; in between churches; in between school years; in between chapters; in between life, in a black hole. I know it's only four months. I know it's just the summer; soon enough I'll be back at Flipside and I won't have to worry about this decision at all. 

I can't wait to be back at Flipside. Kevin asked me to share my testimony come fall, and I can't wait. I don't know what it is inside of me, probably God, but when Kevin asked me if I would, I could think of no better answer than "of course!" That night I felt like God was telling me that my story would go far. That this was the reason He has me at Flipside. That even if I made no other impact on anyone, at least I will have shared my story, maybe given one person a reason to live. Even when I write about it now, that I get to share my testimony again, my heart races because I just cannot wait to share it. I know He has something great planned for my testimony, whenever it is that I give it, but I don't know what that is. And I really believe He won't let me see it. Not because He's mean or taunting me, but because my pride has become a huge issue lately. If I see what impact my  testimony has on someone else, I will count it to my own strength, not His. 

Then there's this boy thing. I can't get over it. It's been four years, and I just haven't figured out how to let go. And now he'll be closer than ever. Here's the thing, I've always tried, ever since I started liking him, trying to make myself get over him because he's never showed interest in me, and that's basically just my rule. I can't like a guy that would never have feelings for me. It usually works when another guy enters the picture. And I would pretty much force other guys into the picture, whether it be boyfriends, hookups or crushes. When the boyfriend didn't get my mind off this boy, I tried hookups...or friends with benefits. When that didn't work either, I just tried to stay with simple crushes. All that did for me was make me like this boy more and more. I feel like every time I ran after some other guy all I wanted to do was die, I was so far from God, not necessarily because of the guy, but just because I was obsessing my time over them, tearing my heart apart trying to rid myself of this boy. But, every time I'm with the boy, even if I just see him for a moment, a smile comes to my face and all I want to do is pray. I know it's crazy, it's weird, whatever you want to call it, but every single time I'm around him, I want to pray, I want to talk to God, I just want to be with God. And there's just so much that's happened, that only I see, that only God and I know, that makes me think...maybe, maybe someday he'll want to be with me too.

Well then there's work. I love working, I love getting paid. I love making money so I can actually do stuff, or save up for stuff. What I miss now, is hanging out with people, going to the movies, hanging out at the beach, taking random drives. I miss writing, and reading, and sleeping in til noon. 

My head is spinning with too many things. Too many questions. Part of me, just wants to please everyone else, but somehow, I think it's quite impossible to make it to three church services on the same day...at least with these certain three churches. I'm afraid to put my writing out there for anyone to look at, other than a blog, because I'm scared of what might come from it. Apparently my dad thinks I'm going to be a high school English teacher with a internet side business, a copywriting side job, as well as being an author on the side of all that. And while that would be all nice and lucrative, I want to be happy. I want to have a family. I don't want my entire life to be work. Sure I'll still be writing, Lord only knows, hopefully I'll be writing til the day I die. 

What if he took that away? What if he made it impossible for me to write. Took away my speech so I couldn't tell a story. Took away my hands so I couldn't write one down. Took away every possible means of imagination. What if I no longer could put pencil to paper? What if one day I had to give it all up for one reason or another? Could I? Would I? I wonder if writing has become an idol sometimes, but then I realize that most of my writing is crying out to God. It is no more an idol than David's Psalms were to him. Though I may not be as eloquent as David, I surely use my poetry in a similar manner. 

Lord let me give up everything in this black hole. Let my nightmares cease. Take what you want, of everything I am and everything I say I need. Lord you know what will make me better and what to leave behind, Lord please just tell me "you are always Mine."

I know this gives no clarity to the confusion that I have labeled the Black Hole, but at least you now know some of what's going through my head when I tell you that's the state I feel as if I'm in.

Silence

Do you ever feel like no one's listening? Like maybe if you just spoke a little louder someone could hear you and then they'd listen? Well I've gotten to the point of shouting, and yet it's all the same. Those around me never listen. Those around me just don't care. So I've resolved, after losing my voice to those who don't care, to speak softly to whomever will listen. Those who throw away my whispers and my yells are the ones that I should learn to move on from. However, the ones, the few, that will listen to my whispers, who will turn around when I speak, those are the ones I want in my life always. So this is to those that have chosen to listen to the whisper. But also to those who have ignored my screams. Thank you, because in one way or another, you've shaped who I am and I am where I am in part because of you.

The only thing I wonder about now, the only thing I wish I understood is why I've continued for so long to scream right in front of you while you stare through me with a blank gaze, never returned, never acknowledging my presence, except once, or maybe twice. I'm hopeful I guess, and each of those moments brings my hope back to 100% only to watch it whittle back down to about 2% before I decide it's worth it to give up the screaming. You always catch that hope, and sometimes I wish you wouldn't. It's at about 50% right now, and decreasing quickly, but as I lose hope in you, would you let me? When I get down to the end of letting go, would you please, please, let me? Don't call me your sister, don't call me your friend, don't call me anything, truly, just let it be the end. You don't want to hear me and my heart is sick of crying. Let me just be done. Let me just let go. You no longer hold my heart, except for that one last string of hope.

As for those who'll hear my whispers. As for you who listen. I love you and I thank you that you're here. And though I may give it up and run back to those who won't even hear my screams, I pray you know you're the best part of me. Without you, there would be no me. I treat you like crap, I'm sure. I weigh my world on your shoulders, I know. And I see that now, and don't worry, I've decided to lighten the load. I'd love to listen to your whispers. I'd love to carry your burdens. I'd love to walk alongside you, so I may return your favor.