Nightmare?

What happens when you come to that day where all you can think about is the fact that you have to give up a dream you've had for so long?

Even as I write this, I tend to run away. I write a sentence and then step back to really think about if I want to put this in words, or instead just continue to let it sit in the back of my mind. I get distracted by not wanting to think that it just may very well be time to simply give up this dream.

You may not know which dream I'm talking about, but as to the looks of it, it isn't writing. ;) So I'm sure most of you realize which dream I'm talking about.

I guess I've made too much of a situation that just isn't there. Maybe, I always say. Maybe I'll just wait. Maybe next year. Maybe something will happen. I spent a year of my life waiting, and maybe that's okay. I needed that year to just not deal with the hassle of boys. I needed that year desperately to clean up my act. So I'm not saying I wasted that year, because it was definitely well spent pining after a lot of other things rather than a guy, but deep inside, way back in my mind, he was still there, and I was still pining after him. 

Everyone says we deserve our chance, but what chance is that if he doesn't want it? What chance do I have to deserve if it's only a one-sided affection? He's the greatest man I've ever known, but for once in the past four years, I'm thinking, maybe he's just not who I should be pining after. 

You may respond saying, well maybe that's just because your heart's not completely set on God and so God wants you to pine after Him first. And I understand that. It's a valid argument, but it's wrong. The way I feel about this, is that maybe we're not supposed to get our dream man. He is my dream man, yes. And he will, for a very long while, be the standard I compare everyone else to, but that's why I have to let go.

Does he even know the emotions, the feelings, the passion that drive me to write this much about struggling after an answer? Yet every time I see him, I can't help but smile. Every time I hear his name, my heart races. My friends understand how much I like him, how much I admire him because they see the happiness, the laughter, the smiles, the giddiness that comes over me whenever I talk about him.

I thought with him coming to my school next year, all of it would change. That maybe we would have our chance. But the same conclusion keeps coming up in my mind, what if that chance just doesn't exist?

That's when my dream turns into a nightmare. But is it really a nightmare if God holds someone even better than my dream out there for me?