Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just slowed down and stopped? If you took a moment to look around, to take in the surroundings, to understand the circumstances, to see what's in front of you? What lies ahead scares me, but what lies behind is done and over. I can't change that, yet at the same time, I can't simply stand still. On each side I have a choice, whatever my wish, whatever my pleasure, it's my decision to make. All around are the voices, the opinions, the criticisms, the praises, the joy and laughter, the pain and tears, the screams and the whispers, but in the end it is ultimately my choice, my voice, my decision.
Let me put this in simple terms. I don't want to go to Calvary. I feel like it's a burden. I feel completely weighed down. I want to go to Flipside, but that requires an hour and a half drive up and back each week. So where does that leave me, with the choice to go to my parent's church, Beachpoint. It's nice, it's great, there are some definitely wonderful people there, but it's just somewhere in between. I'm stuck in between; in between churches; in between school years; in between chapters; in between life, in a black hole. I know it's only four months. I know it's just the summer; soon enough I'll be back at Flipside and I won't have to worry about this decision at all.
I can't wait to be back at Flipside. Kevin asked me to share my testimony come fall, and I can't wait. I don't know what it is inside of me, probably God, but when Kevin asked me if I would, I could think of no better answer than "of course!" That night I felt like God was telling me that my story would go far. That this was the reason He has me at Flipside. That even if I made no other impact on anyone, at least I will have shared my story, maybe given one person a reason to live. Even when I write about it now, that I get to share my testimony again, my heart races because I just cannot wait to share it. I know He has something great planned for my testimony, whenever it is that I give it, but I don't know what that is. And I really believe He won't let me see it. Not because He's mean or taunting me, but because my pride has become a huge issue lately. If I see what impact my testimony has on someone else, I will count it to my own strength, not His.
Then there's this boy thing. I can't get over it. It's been four years, and I just haven't figured out how to let go. And now he'll be closer than ever. Here's the thing, I've always tried, ever since I started liking him, trying to make myself get over him because he's never showed interest in me, and that's basically just my rule. I can't like a guy that would never have feelings for me. It usually works when another guy enters the picture. And I would pretty much force other guys into the picture, whether it be boyfriends, hookups or crushes. When the boyfriend didn't get my mind off this boy, I tried hookups...or friends with benefits. When that didn't work either, I just tried to stay with simple crushes. All that did for me was make me like this boy more and more. I feel like every time I ran after some other guy all I wanted to do was die, I was so far from God, not necessarily because of the guy, but just because I was obsessing my time over them, tearing my heart apart trying to rid myself of this boy. But, every time I'm with the boy, even if I just see him for a moment, a smile comes to my face and all I want to do is pray. I know it's crazy, it's weird, whatever you want to call it, but every single time I'm around him, I want to pray, I want to talk to God, I just want to be with God. And there's just so much that's happened, that only I see, that only God and I know, that makes me think...maybe, maybe someday he'll want to be with me too.
Well then there's work. I love working, I love getting paid. I love making money so I can actually do stuff, or save up for stuff. What I miss now, is hanging out with people, going to the movies, hanging out at the beach, taking random drives. I miss writing, and reading, and sleeping in til noon.
My head is spinning with too many things. Too many questions. Part of me, just wants to please everyone else, but somehow, I think it's quite impossible to make it to three church services on the same day...at least with these certain three churches. I'm afraid to put my writing out there for anyone to look at, other than a blog, because I'm scared of what might come from it. Apparently my dad thinks I'm going to be a high school English teacher with a internet side business, a copywriting side job, as well as being an author on the side of all that. And while that would be all nice and lucrative, I want to be happy. I want to have a family. I don't want my entire life to be work. Sure I'll still be writing, Lord only knows, hopefully I'll be writing til the day I die.
What if he took that away? What if he made it impossible for me to write. Took away my speech so I couldn't tell a story. Took away my hands so I couldn't write one down. Took away every possible means of imagination. What if I no longer could put pencil to paper? What if one day I had to give it all up for one reason or another? Could I? Would I? I wonder if writing has become an idol sometimes, but then I realize that most of my writing is crying out to God. It is no more an idol than David's Psalms were to him. Though I may not be as eloquent as David, I surely use my poetry in a similar manner.
Lord let me give up everything in this black hole. Let my nightmares cease. Take what you want, of everything I am and everything I say I need. Lord you know what will make me better and what to leave behind, Lord please just tell me "you are always Mine."
I know this gives no clarity to the confusion that I have labeled the Black Hole, but at least you now know some of what's going through my head when I tell you that's the state I feel as if I'm in.
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