Alone

I believe I've blogged about this before, but I don't know if I've ever really captured the essence of what I'm trying to say. And maybe this isn't really going to help clear anything up, but here we go.

I'm stuck in the middle

somewhere in between

everything I've done 

in the past

and you in front of me

something somewhere

some went wrong

a hopeless thought

in a cloud so long

it drifts away 

holding your name

dragging along

my heart.

Okay so that's not really where I was going, but hey I got a poem out of it. Anyway what I was trying to say was this.

I'm stuck in the middle somewhere. I'm not really sure in between what. Between home and school? One church and another? And even yet another? Between my friends here and my friends there? Between my heart here and my heart overseas? Between faith hope and love and the humanity of my heart? Between desire and deceit? Between the overcoming selfishness, indulgences of my flesh, and the overwhelming spirit, God's peace in every moment? 

Where ever it is that I'm in between, it's most definitely the sand that holds my drifting thoughts and the rock that holds my life together. Maybe I should explain this in more concrete words. I don't want to talk to my friends because I know they'll ask about my trip, but I can't simply tell them about my trip, so I ignore them, afraid of their questions. But I want to talk to my friends because I don't know what else to do. I go through each day with work and church and work and weekends and find myself wondering where the days went. I can go days without talking to any friends because I don't make the effort to talk to them. I guess I'm waiting for them to talk to me, but even then I'm discouraged and don't have the energy. That's a horrible thing to say about friends. I guess I'm learning that friendship can be some sort of a disappoint if you try too hard to make it work. I've tried too hard and too long to make certain friendships work that I feel like giving up on all of them. Does that even make sense?

Obviously there are those I can never let go of, but even that number is surprisingly few. I want people to know me, but I don't want to just always offer the information. I want them to ask questions. But then, didn't I just say I didn't want their questions? Maybe I'm not really coming to a conclusion at all, I just feel as if I'm stuck in between where I was, who I was, and where God's taking me, who He wants me to be. But then I feel as if I'm not doing anything to move that forward, which puts me more in a down mood, especially spending all this time alone. How do I just up and become that godly woman God wants me to be? I know it takes time, but how do I even start? I believe THAT has been my question since 7th grade, the one question that supplied my doubt of God's truth, the one question that kept me looking for more, something, anything. Now at least I know for certain of God's truth, but I do believe this question is still leading me to look for more.

That's all.