Give In

So I haven't written a poem on purpose in a while. So here's my newest one, written tonight, under an immense amount of exhaustion. Enjoy.

Give In
This strength will not last.
I will give in.
This hope will survive
I will give in.

Unwillingly I hand over a part
my flesh completely at war with my heart
I must force my hand to reach out to His
or else I'll find that I cannot live

I cannot give this body enough rest
I cannot even keep trying to resist
The Lord's undaunted conquest
I will give in.

His heart is set on fixing mine.
I must give in.
His eyes are set on seeing mine.
I must give in.

I need His peace to cover me
I need His heart to bleed into me
My life must somehow be transformed
My flesh in all must be destroyed

I cannot give this body enough rest
I cannot even keep trying to resist
The Lord's undaunted conquest
I must give in.

Changed For Good

Ok I know I just started out with a line from a song from Wicked, I thought it was fitting, but that's not actually what this is about.

I was talking to my mom the other day about how every decision we make changes us. And even every decision that others make adversly affects who we are completely. Major things like if I had been born first, if we had moved to San Diego when I was 4, if we hadn't left FUMCHUB, if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt. Life would be DRASTICALLY and completely different, no one can argue that. But even if I had just lived in the house next door to mine. If I hadn't worn that plain blue sweatshirt every day in eighth grade. If I never decided to pick up a pen and try writing a poem. If I had no emotion to let out. If I hadn't decided to cut my hair short the first time. If I had said a kinder word to Shayla in eighth grade. If I had never told that one boy I liked him. If I had never made some of those crazy split second decisions. If I had chosen the other option. What would my life be like today? Granted, it'd be different. I can't tell you whether it'd be better, or worse or somewhere in between, but I know that I would not be the person I am today.

I would not have a strong faith. I may not even truly know that God exists. I may not have the best friend I have today. I may not have endured a love and a need for writing. I may not even be an English major, although anyone who knows me now could never see anything differently. But what if I had known different people? What if you weren't the one supporting me through all these years?

I always kinda gawked at those who chalked everything up to the saying "Everything happens for a reason", but I think it's finally starting to mean something to me. If I had been at the bonfire tonight, if I wasn't taking a fencing class with my mom, if my computer hadn't crashed, I would have never spent that time with my parents. I would have never refound this music when I truly needed to hear it. I wouldn't have the time to sit here and write. God works in amazing ways. And the fact that every single one of my decisions, even the split second either option is good decisions, change your life drastically. It makes me wonder what looking back in ten years is going to do. Will I regret the decision I made tonight with staying home? Or will I remember and enjoy it that much more?

If had not made the decision to stay home, would I know truly that someone cared enough to notice I was gone? I guess that's what made me think about this again. He wanted to know what was going on, and was glad it wasn't anything worse. I wondered how many nights I would have gotten upest that he didn't think that was enough to upset over, but tonight I was able to look at every decision we have in life. You have to make A choice, that part is inevitable. But the choice we DO make, makes all the difference.

Thanks Matt for caring. I don't think you have any idea what you ever could have done for the peace God has put in me, in asking one simple question. Thank you for knowing I was not there. Even though I doubt you'll read this, I have to say thank you.

That's all.

Epiphany

Woohoo, first post of August. =)

First off, Happy birthday to my mom!! =)

ok so the real thing here, the epiphany. I was thinking about this while I was hanging out with the boys, watching two of the cheesiest movies I've seen in a really long time. haha. Here's what I came up with:

I feel basically everyone's emotions around me, whether it's pain, excitement, nonchalance, whatever, I feel it just the way they do. I may not know why, but I feel it. (For all you APU people, yes this is the Empathy in me...number 1 strength...haha) It's hard because I feel the excitement when someone falls in love, but I don't get the end result of falling in love. At the same time, it has its upsides, I may feel someone's pain, but I won't have to deal with it for the rest of my life, the wound didn't leave a scar with me. But I feel it. So when you're scared to tell me something, I'm scared too. When you're trying your hardest to be sincere, worried I won't take it the right way, don't be worried, I know you're sincere. I've known this for a while, here's the epiphany part. 

I have so many crushes throughout the years...I rarely go some long amount of time without having a crush on a boy. You know when you have feelings for someone and you care about them so much that you just feel their sadness or their joy? Well I've realized why I have a crush on basically every guy I meet, because I feel everything. I care about everyone that I feel their sadness and their joy. And everything else in between. And as everyone else chalks it up to liking someone, I chalk it up to being a friend, or maybe that I have crushes on every guy I meet. 

So the problem now becomes, when will I know? If the way you and everyone else knows is because of those feelings, those caring tender feelings, how will I know? I have those feelings every day, with every one, how will I know that the right guy is the right guy? I mean it gives me hope that I don't have to be brokenhearted about every guy because most of them I would never want to really be with anyway, but what about that one guy that I will want to be with so much someday, I just really want to know, how will I know?

That scares me.

That's all.

Short, Sweet and to the Point

I have the best friends I could ever ask for in the entire world. I hope they know just how much they mean to me. 

That's all. =)

Wishing

I wish sometimes...for a lot of things actually but here's a few...

I wish...

-that I could read a guy's mind to figure out what he's really saying without the false precept of him just trying to be nice. 

-that one of these days, someone would actually ask what's wrong and care about the answer.

-that life wouldn't repeat itself.

-that he could be a true brother, and not just another guy.

-that life would go back to being simple.

-that happiness, not joy (because joy lasts much longer...), would last for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

-that someone would see right through me, so I wouldn't have to keep up this game.

-that everyone would STOP telling me I'll find a guy...I get it, you're not the one for me, someone else is. 

-that every once in a while I could just say what I mean to those who truly want to know.

-that every once in a while I could say the things I'm thinking without the thought of how it will affect the other person (never gonna happen).

-that the words "I love you" meant more in today's society so it wouldn't seem I just throw them around like every day words, but those I love would truly know how much.

-that words would always be held up by actions, not that actions have to be held together by words.

Theme Song

So, I know I've posted a few songs on here, but this one, at least for the moment, is my theme song for my life. I love the way it says things and how it talks about who I am. It's definitely the way I'm living right now, and hey I'll be twenty in 3 months! (you'll understand when you read the lyrics...) Soo here's my theme song! =) 

Free to Be Me by Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age,

I'm still looking for a dream

A war's already waged 

for my destiny

But you've already won the battle

and you've got great plans for me

Though I can't always see

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

and on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl

I thought I had it figured out

See my life will turn out right

And I'll make it here somehow

But things don't always come that easy

and sometimes I would doubt

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

And on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Sometimes I believe

that I can do anything

Yet other times I think

I've got nothing good to bring

But You look at my heart and tell me

That I've got all You seek

and it's easy to believe even though

I've got a couple dents in my fender

got a couple rips in my jeans

try to fit the pieces together

but perfection is my enemy

and on my own I'm so clumsy

but on Your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you.

Repeat

Have you ever noticed how life just seems to repeat itself? Like obviously not completely the same, not with the same people, but just the same situations.

In 2002, I questioned everything. I had no idea who I was, where I was going, what I wanted in life. Then I found God. In 2003, I was a new Christian, I was on top of the world and one of my best girl friends was dating one of my best guy friends. Life couldn't get better. Then things turned sour, the world started changing. I got a reality check and didn't deal with it well. I made the worst mistake of my entire life, though it's been one of the best experiences of keeping my faith. I then dealt with for the next year or so finding myself and trying to hold on to God. The next two years I got myself into some trouble and tried finding my way back to God. 

Then I had one year away from home, at school, going through the same things as I had in 2002. I questioned everything. I wasn't sure where God was taking me, and what I wanted in life had changed. Then in Summer 2008, I found God again. It's like being a new Christian again, being on top of the world, and my very best girl friend and my best guy friend are...well....close to dating. Life couldn't be any better....and that's where life is at the moment.

So what happens next? Does life again turn sour? Will the world start changing? How will I react? Will I make better choices?? Will I know more fully the grace of God? 

I'm scared for what the next few years hold for me, and for now all I can do is trust God.

That's all.