Poem

Here's a follow-up to the last post...a poem (considering I was in poetry class when writing that blog). It's a villanelle (a traditional style of poetry, you still have no idea...don't worry about it).

What if I cannot find I could be great?
My life seems not to hold a guarantee.
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

I do not have the dreams that you create,
nor meander straight to my destiny.
What if I cannot find I could be great?

I sit and struggle with my own debate,
in the park near the long, unending sea.
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

I cannot find a hope, so I await
a light to illuminate my fate's key.
What if I cannot find I could be great?

Where is the life I planned when I was eight?
It is cluttered within all this debris.
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

I'm arranging my life as a clean slate.
Although, I find that you might just agree.
What if I cannot find I could be great?
What do I then suffer as my end fate?

Success or Failure

So I got really upset in chapel this morning, well not REALLY upset, but a small bit perturbed. I must say though, it tainted my entire view of the rest of the chapel, and it was something that was said in the announcements. Woody, one of our campus pastors whom I greatly admire, mentioned about how great the Alum of Azusa Pacific University are, about how they are teaching in inner city schools, working in South Africa or doing something great with their lives. (This is not a direct quotation...) And that statement perturbed me. Here's what came of it and why it perturbed me::

What if we don't do something spectacular after graduation? What if our life path is not to do something that will always be remembered, always be talked about? I just want to teach, just teach, high school, make a difference I guess. But what if I don't end up as one of those teachers they make movies about, write books about, talk about for years to come? What if I don't want to teach the difficult students, the inner cities, the outside cultures, around the world? What if I just want to teach normal Southern California students, stay here my whole life? What if I can't make a difference in what I'm doing? What if I have no other choice? What if it's too difficult to make a difference, so I just give up? Is it a requirement of this school to be an amazing person after graduation? Do you have to be one of those alum who return to tell their life story of how they saved three young third world children from starvation and death? Do you have to be a superhero? I feel like there is so much pressure in this school to be something great! Not that they are pushing you to be your best, but instead that you are expected to be a famous remembered amazing person after graduation. And if you're not, you're a failure. And that is something they don't prepare you for. They don't prepare you for failure because if you fail, you are no longer allowed to call yourself an Alum of Azusa Pacific University because they don't want failure on their reputation as a school. You just have to be great. There is no other way around it.

What if I don't want to be great? What do I do then? Drop out?